Advice/ Tips wanted on how I can talk to my partner about intimacy

LONG POST

Brief, non-detailed mention of s/a (that happened years ago)

I'm a 19 y/o Female-to-Male transguy.

My partner and I got together our second semester of college (where we met) and they told me they had feelings. We started dating and I found out that they hadn't ever been in a relationship before. Wasn't a major problem, but the thing I'm struggling with is their extreme reliance on me. I feel like we can't be two seperate people even though we're together - you know what I mean? We have to be doing the same thing all the time or being physically together too much. I talked to them and told them that its not personal but I need space to myself and that I can't be feeling magnetized - though I still do. Any tips on how to tell them I feel magnetized without making them upset? I should mention that they are extremely emotionally sensitive. The first night I told them I wanted to sleep by myself they started crying. They said they didnt know why and said it was okay but respectfully they cry over a lot of things - which I don't necessarily think is because of me, I believe its because they haven't ever thought about what they want as an individual or their own boundaries. They seem to have none :/

Anyway, as college kids, we had some drinks at my parents house over the summer. Nothing crazy, but they're a lightweight as it turns out. I'm not, due to genetics I guess because my entire family takes a lot to even feel tipsy haha. So we were cuddling and one thing led to another and we started to make out. I've been in relationships before, but all sexual things have always been in friends-with-benefits situations. Never a designated person, as I'm demisexual and have only been sexual with my friend of over 5 years a couple times in 6th grade for experimentation lol. SO after we made out we went to bed because I was tired and so were they. The next morning I find out that that was the first time they had ever made out with someone and doesn't remember much of it. The next day, they texted me a paragraph that they were sad they dont remember the make out and wanted to do it again so they could really take it in, I guess. I told them that in my mind its a sexual act and I wasn't exactly in the mood for it at the time they asked and they said they understood and it was okay!

Fast forward to our 2nd time drinking together, last week, and we hadn't made out since the 1st time drinking.

This is where I explain why I'm posting this in r/therapy.

I was s/a'd as a young kid and genuinely haven't told a singular soul my entire life. It's sort of haunting but hardly ever. I mostly blocked it all out, and it rarely ever comes back to my memory; like once in a blue moon. I think that's the definition of trauma blocked except I can remember everything that happened, I just don't.

Which is why I haven't been sexual a lot is because of that. I've always been dominate, though, due to it, which I genuinely enjoy. But, again, only spontaneously with my close friend a couple times.

Back to the present: we made out last week. However it was different. I was tired, as we were up for a long time that day and stopped drinking with friends around 1AM because everyone was tired. My partner, definitely impaired/ drunk, asked to make out. I don't exactly remember what I said, but thinking back, I only said yes because I figured we'd fall asleep after. I've been thinking about this nonstop.

We were sitting up against a couch, and they put their arm over me to get a better angle but was sort of pinning me. Since I've been thinking about this nonstop, I realized a lot of things about that particular make out: I don't think I wanted it. I'm a person who acknowledges my own boundaries and am very good at telling other people of them and respecting my own. That night, I guess I just wanted to sleep. Anyway, we broke apart for a second and I knew it was getting really heated for them. It wasn't for me. I was really tired. They said they wanted more than making out then rushed to kiss me again. Looking back, I froze. I don't even think I was kissing them back. I hadn't moved but they were getting into it.

I've never had this issue in the many times I've made out with people, which is why I draw my possible conclusion that I wasn't exactly wanting it then.

I did break the kissing and told them I was too tired. Coincidentally they started feeling nauseous from the drinking and ended up puking less than 5 minutes later - not on me, thank God, but definitely ruined the mood for them.

When they were done puking like an hour later, they said they still wanted to do more. I told them we needed to rest so we did.

Two days ago, my partner told me that they missed making out and didn't want to only do it while we're drinking. My stomach sunk because I never wanted them to draw that conclusion and I just feel so horrible about myself for letting them think that. I told them exactly that: that I didnt want them feeling that way and how sorry I was that the only times we've made out was when we were drinking. BUT I then told them that I need more time to be intimate. We've only been together 4 months (5 months Sept 30) and I explained that sexual things I've done is with people I've known for years. In October I'll just have known my partner as a person for a year. I told my partner I'm not ready for much more yet because I need time to truly be comfortable.

Being transgender, I also have massive body dysphoria, which blocks me from even doing things with myself sometimes. My body doesn't sync to my brain 8/10 times I'm interested solo, so if I can't really turn myself on, I don't want to be in that situation where my partner is but I'm not.

Because I've never told anyone about my s/a, I have no idea how I can tell them that I probably won't be ready for anything more than making out for at least another year at that. Simply because I really need to trust them, and with trust comes time. I can't give them what they want, because we (as a couple) now know that they have a much higher drive than me - but that's due to my dysphoria and other factors.

I don't want my history to be an excuse for not making out. How can I word it so it isn't? It's my explanation but I don't think I'm ready to tell them. I haven't even told my friend of 12 years, how am I supposed to tell someone I've only known for 1? I don't know if I'm ready to tell anyone, but every day feels stressful when we kiss because I know they want more but I keep telling them I'm too tired or not in the mood. I think they think I'm not attracted to them anymore, which is false. I just... I'm not ready to tell them about the s/a but I need to tell them something. I can't keep avoiding this for any longer because relationships REQUIRE communication.

So I just need some tips on how to tell them without, well, telling them.

NOTE: I was in therapy but am dealing with other issues that is preventing me from talking to my therapist at the moment.