I don’t think I deserve to live or be loved

Since a couple months already I’ve been in a very deep hole mentally, and I don’t think I can crawl out of it. I actively degrade myself over the smallest of mistakes, I punch myself in the head, I think about how everyone would be so much better off without me, and that I shouldn’t seek help because it would be pointless due to me either not being affected or relapsing, with me also taking someone’s else’s spot. I also recently started stabbing myself into the arm with a pencil. It doesn’t go too deep, but the pain does remind me of how little worth I actually have and that I should be ashamed to exist. I don’t really remember the last time
I thought of myself as a good person. If I could be gone, I would be to make the life of my friends and family better. I also recently got some pain meds for a injury I had (not related to my mental state), and until I had it out of my sight, I would constantly think about taking all of the pills at once, just so that I could be gone in a deservingly shitty way, as I am a shitty person. I’m also ugly as fuck, and I don’t think anything besides parental love and pity is keeping my friends and family around. And if they actually like me, that affection is misplaced, because I don’t deserve it. I might hold on a few years more until I move out, but then once I don’t live with my parents, I will probably say goodbye to this world. I don’t know how I will do that, but I won’t be wasting space on this world longer than neccessary. If five year old me saw me, he would be very dissapointed. He thought he would be an astronaut or a archeologist, but instead he became a 17-year old excuse of a person that everyone should hate and for some reason don’t. I don’t think I will ever see myself as someone deserving of a happy life, or a relationship, or a good career. I should be gone, gone from this world so I don’t devalue it even more. Like I said, I will not go seek therapy or tell my parents any of this, because I know it won’t work and it would be a waste of ressources which could’ve gone to someone who actually has a chance at recovery.