They say your metabolism slows with age

It’s always taken consistent overeating over a long period of time for me to gain weight, but there’s a familiar story of people’s metabolisms slowing with age. We’re used to hearing about beer bellies and dad bods, and society tells us that once you hit your 30s, one milkshake or slice of cake is going to go straight to your waistline. Better off ordering a salad for lunch, otherwise your butt’s not going to fit in your jeans tomorrow.

I must be one of the lucky ones. I’m pushing 40, and can still eat whatever I want and not gain weight. I spent last week eating takeout for 2 or 3 meals every day, plus an occasional beer or two here and there. Today I realized I’m down two pounds from last week. I wonder if anyone would be jealous of my metabolism. I feel like the average person my age would be afraid of blowing up like a balloon if they stuffed their face like I do every day.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly fat, but it took a lot of work to get there. If I slowed down on my eating though, the pounds would eventually melt off me. Maybe one day it’ll come back to bite me, and I’ll find I’m beyond the point of no return, but for now I can still eat whatever I want without getting fatter (unless I want to).

It’s a little hot to imagine people aged 30+ pushing the limits of their willpower and starving themselves just so they don’t gain a pound of fat, wishing for my comeuppance, hoping for the day a switch flips and I can’t stop getting heavier. Perhaps eventually I’ll pay for my hubris, and my own max weight limit will no longer be a personal choice. Despite trying to cut down on calories, they’ll observe me struggling to fit into my usual jeans, growing ever rounder and wider, fighting to breathe while tying my shoes and grunting when I sit or stand. I eventually become a cautionary tale of what happens to all of us if we don’t change our gluttonous ways before it’s too late. They’ll be righteously enjoying my punishment for my greed, as I fight against the burden of all my excess pounds.