Broken brain

I can’t stop thinking about hanging myself. Picturing where’d I’d do it, what rope I’d use, how painful it might be. It’s not that my life is completely hopeless. It’s more that my brain is so broken that I don’t think it’ll ever get repaired. My depression is rotting me away. I’m 19 but I’ve spend the majority of my life heavily medicated, attending constant therapy, was even in and out of hospitals and residential treatments a lot of my early teens years. I’ve done everything to try and fix it. I’m growing tired of the constant self sabotage my mind does to me. I can’t even picture my life in the next 6 months, it just doesn’t seem plausible. I have no drive or passion. I don’t have any hobbies or skills. Being trans makes me feel even smaller.
I was supposed to start a partial hospitalization program soon but the therapist who was in charge of the referral hasn’t gotten back to me. It’s given me more time to think about how all trivial this is. Because, I know even if I do this day program and get better at first, the depression will just slowly creep back up on me.
I’m tired of trying. I’m even more tired of trying to convince people that I’m struggling. That I need more treatment and care than just 15 minute psychiatry appointments every 6 months. I’ve spent years trying to advocate for myself and it’s even harder as an adult. I know that I’d only be taken seriously if I actually did something, landed up in the ER. So I think, I might as well try. I want to die anyway.