My brother (GC) never told me before that he ......................knew, or suspected..........something. This is the first I'm hearing this. Which made me feel sick. I always thought I was the only witness...........that's the way it always was.....so you downplay the trauma somehow knowing no one will believe you, even if they do it won't matter because youre told the reason why youre being abused is because youre total garbage, and who cares what happens to garbage?

First , I believed no one would care-judging by the way my Mother treated me like and secondly that I was so worthless and garbage like that I deserved every bit of it, thirdly that no one would believe me, so I shouldn't speak of it-why bother? .

It's like they're saying .....I think your garbage, and so does the rest of the world. Except that she was hiding the abuse, so she did know..........it was wrong. Why she hid it , is less clear, "wrong" in which context?....to others...exclusively?....so don't get caught because it will look bad? I think it's that hiding it shit, that wrecks me.

They have to know that even if somehow their sick brain tells them you deserve it, no matter what other people think, but better hide it just in case ............I get caught and its brought to light what a fucking nut job I am to be treating my child like disposable garbage. Yeah , good plan , I"ll hide it, because I sorta know it's wrong, is probably wrong, ........but I need to be this way and take my rage out on someone. I"m flashing back because this whole conversation with my brother was triggering. I was right there standing in our kitchen, pretending not to bleed, her standing there in her defensive angry, bitch face demeanor that told everyone in the house "Don't Fuck with Me!" LIke I decide how to treat who, don't stand in my way. This abuse shit is like some sort of Addiction. They're determined, or at least my Mother was. THis wasnt 'Oops, I got angry" . This was ...youre here and you can bet that when anything backs up for me, it's coming your way. Its a lot to contemplate that I was the designated scapegoat, and no one got in her way, even though they knew.

I've been angry thinking about all this stuff, and then behind the anger was this feeling of deep , pain, nausea and profound powerlessness. Not being able to protect myself. Being forced to defend myself, and NEVER winning....and just being crushed under her boot. She's dead, but I can not stop thinking about other survivors. How did you defend yourself? Did it ever come to blows? Did it get worse after that, or did they back down? I didnt dare fight back against my Mother. She was powerful, strong, and angry and rageful, and remorseless, in a way that's hard to explain. LIke RAAAAAGE, and I was on the other end of that.

But hearing that no one dared confront my Mother, was so intense. Not even my brother who I envisioned as empowered in every situation. This changes a lot of things, it means that other people probably knew too. Maybe my Step father.

It was a very complicated conversation that I didnt expect to have.

What happened was I had gone off about the abuse.....when he was talking about making progress when he first started working, and stuck up for himself with employers, quit if they're business practices were unfair, or if he was getting cheated, etc. No matter how many times he had to quit before he found a place that appreciated him, etc. My first thought was "yeah, because you were the GC".

It triggered all this pain.... I said I didnt have that advantage coming from so much abuse, manipulation, objectification, being the house slave, feeling like I was a worthless piece of shit. I went on for a good 10 minutes of what it was like being out in the World thinking your worthless. Any job...was a "good" job. I worked the lowest paid menial jobs, the worse conditions, because I thought it was all I was worth....and even then it was better than what I grew up with. At least no one was insulting me every single day.

So, the next day he called me....... and said " I want you to understand, and know that I believe everything youre telling me, I can feel the pain of that.....the seriousness......I don't think your exaggerating, I know it was like that because I remember coming home and you could tell something had been going on between you and "Mom" ........ it's not like you had been playing Monopoly". He never told me that before. It was unnerving.

You would have thought I would have been glad to hear that, relieved, and I was , but It also felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I have a long history of dissociation, denying the pain, denying how bad it was, now Realizing that it .......was real........and that that went on constantly....and I was living with that, ..........burying it, in a dissociative fog.......because no one could stop her.....not even when they knew , or suspected.

He said he felt guilty. I guess a part of me wanted someone to feel something, instead of "Oh, really? , I had no idea, gee that's too bad you got treated like that, she wasnt like that with me?". Which my brother had said in the past. But he wasnt saying that. He was saying that he ...............knew.

I wish I knew how I felt ?. I"m having such a hard time sorting this out.

TLDR:

.....then he said " and even though I know I have to look at stuff for myself, I can't be gentle with myself like that, it's just not my style, I have to be really hard on myself to get myself to change, I have to almost beat myself with a bat".

What he actually said was something our family has an inside joke on, he said "I can't be all Stuart Smalley with myself". If you ever saw the Movie "Steward Smalley saves his Family", its' very inner child, therapy lingo, a healing narrative. Which felt a little like, I get it for you and I believe you, I just can't be as kind , and gentle with myself, when it comes to addressing my own stuff. Which felt.....wrong. Like, what are you saying exactly?

Sorta like, okay youre going to be an asshole to yourself, which means it will affect your capacity to connect to others , and it's going to all come back on anyone in your vicinity ......but that's okay?