Do normal people normally question hrt and being tens this much?

Hey. I know this might come across as weird, but ive always known i dont fit in with other boys, yet i didnt know why. About 2-3 years ago i realized that i hated becoming a man (im 21 now) and the societal expectations around appearance, behavior and social role. 1 year after that i experimented with feminine clothes and when i realized that this male body i hated so much could also look attractive in a feminine way in certain angles i was overcome by a rush of euphoria. However it quickly dwindled when i realized that my face doesnt really match that at all and also that my body still has very definitive ques about me being born male.

And now ever since about half a year ive seriously started being really confused. I realized fhat for the longest time i havent only been attracted to women, but also subconsciously incredibly envious. I wish i could look pretty, cute and elegant like them and i feel very sad that i dont at the moment. But at the same time i dont feel like a woman. I tried she/her pronouns and a feminine name online but it didnt feel right. I feel more like a he/they, just that i also definitively know i dont want to keep aging into being a man. I dont want to loose my hair and i dont want my skin to get rougher. I hate my beard and all that. Ive been worrying a lot that maybe my longing for a more feminine and cute presentation is just confusion. That my brain is wired incorrectly and mistaking wanting to be with a feminine person vs actually being one.

Ive been thinking that the only way for me to look more feminine without any styling (i want to look mostly feminine even without clothes, its just something thats personally important to me) would be hrt and some sort of cosmetic surgery.

At the same time i dont know if i should do it because i dont feel like a woman either and some changes of hrt worry me like changes is the genital area and breast growth (i dont mind a bit, but im scared they would look disproportionate to my ribcage/shoulders)

I keep pondering and pondering for weeks. Researching different approaches to hrt but never taking a step into that direction. And i really just feel like i wont get anywhere without real advice.