What they left behind

My friend intentionally overdosed a little over a month ago. We actually weren’t very close in the last six months. She was so messy. She couldn’t apologize, I couldn’t apologize. We were both so stubborn. She was so stubborn.

I hate that we didn’t forgive each other. We were both very active in the community and it hurts that I have to just see that everyone knew only one side of her. Not the hurting girl inside.

We had talked a few days before and we had gotten to a place where we could talk about things but not really about our friendship.

She left such a hole in our community and in my heart. I feel alone as one of the few people that knows what happened. I feel guilty. I feel jealous. I wish I could leave earth too. Part of me can’t now because of how I see it hurts those that were left behind, especially our community.

I don’t blame her though. She was in so much pain. I respect that. I respect that her pain was too big for her body. That she no longer felt safe here.

I just miss her, and feel sad, and of course the guilt. I feel like I’m not allowed to hurt either because we weren’t on great terms.

I’m getting help, but I’ve never experienced grief like this before. I just didn’t know how deep it could go. I’ve managed to feel okay at times lately, but then I just don’t feel okay again. I feel rattled and forever changed.