He came back after some years

About 6-7yrs ago I (24f) realized I was in limerence over my SP (24M). It took me a long time to forgive, forget, and move on. I realized the attention I gave him was just an ego booster and he would never be the person I projected onto him. I realized I looked silly and desperate. So I packed my mental bags, burned them and moved on

Fast forward to a couple days ago, (in my mind he no longer existed) my old SP texts me “hey, how are you. I hope you are doing well”
The feeling it gave me was like a black ping pong ball in my chest. Uncertainty rushes over me, it feels like someone knocking on an old, rusty, cobwebbed door.

The only thing I wanted was closure. I know that it has nothing to do with me, I just wanted to know if he had reflected on his past and what conclusion he had came to.

I ask “did you ever care for me or did you just like the attention I gave you”

He replied “Genuinely, i did really care about you. I believe being young and dumb obviously overshadowed that in many ways, but yes i did.”

The black ping pong went away and grief moved in.
Grief because the teenage girl within me doesn’t understand. She has ground her teeth to dust. Burned her own home to ash, and torn and broken her own heart repeatedly…. Just for a minute of his attention

She’s angry, she’s off somewhere letting loose in the woods while I watch her unleash her anger from a distance. She’s thrashing in the rivers and smashing rocks together.

I’m actively grieving her pain.
past, present, and future.

I’m grieving someone I never had and it was my mistake to think I could even have it to begin with.