Lost my best friend due to social anxiety

More of a rant sorry if this is long. I was posting in the social anxiety subreddit but deleted due to not fitting the criteria. Also any support welcome I’m crushed

So the title is kinda confusing and I’ll give a lot more context. This best friend I’ve had for 2-3 years. I have really bad social anxiety for as long as I can remember and late diagnosed autism, I struggle to be myself and not even know who “myself” really is. I mask a lot and try to be who the other person wants me to be or I mirror how they are, depending on the person or situation I tend to mimic. I want them to see who I think they’d wanna see based of their personality. Due to this, I never had any friends really until her.

We first started hanging out by bar hopping, drinking, making fish bowls, it was fun because when being drunk or tipsy, it got that edge off and I didn’t have to worry so much about how I act. About a year later she decided to go sober and I respected that. She said she doesn’t mind if I drink still so I continued.

She’s the complete opposite of me, she’s really outgoing, she likes to sing in the car, dances to music, loves outdoor activities, she’s the type of friend who gets you out there and id sometimes describe her as wild in a good way. I didn’t want to drink every time, so I decided not to for a few times. It was painful. I felt so awkward, I tried matching her energy and with how I am, a quiet introvert it was so hard. I felt uncomfortable almost, it was a whole different dynamic sober. I thought I’d give it more time, hangout more maybe I’ll get out of this shell. It didn’t end up happening, I started to take shots before our hangouts. Even then sometimes it wasn’t enough. I would feel my social battery drain so quick. I felt so bad, but I kept trying. It never got better, always felt awkward, worrying how I sound when I word things, especially when she rants and needs advice, when she turns on music and dances in the car it’s just not me so I sit there awkwardly, I just don’t think we match but its been a year at this point and didn’t wanna just stop our friendship, but started to not look forward to hangouts I felt so stuck.

I told my fiance, who said maybe I should tell her how I feel, and if she understands maybe it’ll be easier to hangout and maybe we can start doing things I like while sober and just get out of my shell and she can help me. But I didn’t know how to bring it up, text, in person, the right timing. I kept brushing it off. Then 2 nights ago she invited me to a party at her sisters, everyone was drinking other than her, i decided to have some drinks, as there was a group of people and I’d struggle to socialize. She drove me home, I was a little tipsy, I assumed this was a good time to tell her since we were in a good mood and I didn’t feel anxious because I felt more laid back. Huge mistake. I explained how some hangouts I feel awkward and tried to explain but I think she assumed she was doing something wrong. She told me since she makes me feel that way, she won’t ask me to hangout ever again. I felt like crying so I was silent and I think she took that as that’s what I want. I wanted to explain more but had that lump in my throat and just couldn’t. I got inside and bawled my eyes out until I fell asleep.

The next morning (yesterday) I woke up to a text saying thanks for telling her that she makes me feel uncomfortable, and that I don’t want to hangout anymore, and that I hurt her really bad and how I put her in a deep depression and I ruined our friendship. I tried to explain how that’s not what I meant, I sent a long paragraph how Im like this with everyone, I mask, and she didn’t do anything wrong and never said she did, it’s a me issue I need to work on and thought telling her would help, I tried everything I could to explain. And how it’s been all my life and I really dislike myself for it and wish I were normal and could just be myself. She only responded with it how I ruined the friendship and that I hurt her and we can’t recover from this. She said she understands, but I guess she just doesn’t like that she makes me feel this way. I kept apologizing, saying it’s not her making me feel that way, but she’s still hurt. Which is valid. She didn’t respond to my last message yesterday, and today nothing at all.

I know it’s my fault, in person I couldn’t put it into words correctly and started to choke up. I thought saying it in text wouldn’t be right. I feel like no matter how I’d bring it up it wouldn’t end well. I feel awful. I hurt her, I feel so numb and depressed. I want to send another message trying to explain again but I know it won’t help. I feel like such a bad person, I don’t think I’m meant to have friends. I’ll just end up hurting them due to how I am. Im currently seeing psychiatrist, I take meds for anxiety and bipolar, and actively looking for a therapist I’ve had to switch a few times as they didn’t feel like a good fit. I feel so stuck and depressed. I wish I could socialize like a normal person so things like this wouldn’t happen :(