the cheap binder hurts me, but not using it would hurt me more

cw: ed

I bought a binder in january or february, and since then I wear it almost always when I go outside, inside the house it's a 50/50, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I sometimes even sleep in it, i know it's idiotic. I bought it on AliExpress, I went through the reviews and it seemed pretty ok.

I am 17, so all online purchases are done by my mom. it's not that i do not have money for a good binder, I just don't want to buy from an openly trans website, I told my mom that the binder is for cosplay or just for comfort purposes because I am closeted. I ordered the binder in size M, because I usually fit perfectly into size M.

when it came I was disappointed to say the least, and embarrassed, because it binded worse than a sports bra I was using at that time. without hesitation I asked my mom to buy it again from the same offer, but this time I asked her to but the size S. when it came it felt magical almost, I remember feeling so much joy.

at first weeks of using it I remember that my breathing felt restricted which was very uncomfortable, but that's a price I was willing to pay to have flatter chest. worth adding is that it doesn't bind perfectly either, if I straighten my back then it's obvious I have breasts, if I'm in my usual not very proper posture then I'd say it's not that obvious.

since I started using it, passed around 7 months. worth mentioning is thay I struggle with an eating disorders, and since december 2025 I gained around 10 kg, so the binder could be even more restricting nowadays because my chest area could be fatter than it used to be when I first bought it.

yesterday I did out of pure curiosity a 10 minute dumbell exercises, i plan to do them more often and i just wanted to check if i enjoy it lmao. because im not in a good shape, i clearly feel my muscles ache (owchie). when i was in the bathroom, touching my muscles and feeling them hurt, I noticed one other thing, that for some reason I didn't pay much attention to.

my ribcage aches. i have no idea how I haven't fully realized that until now. it could be because I am in pain everyday (due to a chronic illness, for around 2 years now I feel psychogenic pain in all my joints everyday) and i am so used to it that I simply don't pay much attention to aching in my body. now thinking about it, I remember once noticing my ribcage aching a few months ago, but i just brushed it off as being tired.

I'm genuinely not sure what to do.

I am so scared, I am mentally unable to leave the house without the binder. I am too scared to come out so I cant ask my parents to buy me a proper one. my sister is an adult and she knows that im trans (she's the only person that knows), but she is very against my transition (saying things that she'd rather I kill myself than do it, or that I'm a life failure and she pities me) and she is transphobic, so i can't ask her for help with this. I have two friends, one is already an adult, and other one isn't but in theory has access to online shopping, but i haven't come out to them (the closet is glass but i refuse to admit anything).

I don't want to completely fuck up my body further but I can not just stop wearing the binder. if I stop wearing it, I mentally won't be able to go outside. if I keep wearing it, im afraid it will turn into more than ribcage aching, if of course the ribcage aching is actually caused by wearing the binder, and let's be real, its the most reasonable explanation. i dont even know what are the actual consequences of wearing a cheap binder for too long, I'm too scared to properly educate myself on that topic, I'd rather stay unaware. i don't know what to do. I wish I wasn't trans :(

I turn 18 in February 2027, so that's around 6 months until I can buy a proper binder by myself. can the ribcage pain get any worse until then? can there be any serious health consequences of me still wearing it? im sorry if I come off as stupid in this post, but I genuinely dont know much.

it's just silly venting, but any advice is appreciated!