Complicated feelings about loosing weight, society and autism.

Over the last year I (26F) started weightlifting three times a week. I got into nutrition and did some healing and learning regarding my relationship with food, like finding healthier ways to stim through food.

As a result I lost about 10kg in 9 months in a slow body recomposition. My goal in the beginning was to get a strong healthy back which I accomplished :) I am very proud of myself for sticking with it and I love the strength I build. It feels like after 26 years I finally arrived in my own body.

BUT now for all the things I was not prepared for:
Being noticed way more. People being nicer to me, keeping conversations going longer. People talking to me more in public settings in general. Everybody commenting on my body, especially other woman (!). Jealousy masqueraded as "concern". Being looked at way more by passing strangers. All the horrors. My job is very public facing as well (I deal with scripting and a lot of rest time) but the sheer volume of interaction really has me struggling.

What truly fucks with my brain is that I have recently looked at pictures from last year and to me I basically look the same. I was neither fat or skinny. I was in that normal in between with a normal face. I did not stick out much, some people found me attractive, most did not. I was comfortable with and pretty neutral about my body.

OR SO I THOUGHT! Turns out I really turtled away from a lot of things I thought I had no access because I did not consider myself attractive enough to be "part of the club". Like string bikinis, big hoop earrings, smoking weed (lol), going out for fancy drinks in a cute bar and many more absolutely ridiculous rules I (subconsciously, not so subconsciously) came up with for myself.
I am truly ashamed of this and I feel like a looser for not being confident enough a year ago to break through these "rules". I also have never ever judged other people for doing these things (no matter their size) so I don't really understand why it was just a "rule" for me. I know a lot of it is just patriarchy and social conditioning. As a queer autistic (sorta) woman I really thought I was way more above that shit. But turns out I have not been practicing what I was preaching.

Not only can I now ACTUALLY feel the shallowness of society (especially that of men, but no surprises here) but my own shallowness as well. Somebody flipped a coin and I have somehow landed on the "rewards" side of society, for no reason except my body. This sucks!

I have always considered myself a somewhat privileged "outsider type" in a detached and rational way, nothing crazy revolutionary but for sure critical and conscious. Now it is as if I am being pulled into the "club" and I am so lost. There are so many new rules to learn and things expected of me. At the same time I want to try out new things just because I feel I can now. In a sense I feel less autistic, because the world caters to me more. That makes me so angry and almost feel like a traitor. I am not ready to be perceived as a "hot autistic woman" but I don't think I have a choice. How do I not loose my head and sense of self in this?