What should I be looking for in a therapist?

Sorry in advance if this is poorly worded/dense/sounds like the ramblings of a madman. I have trouble adequately expressing my thoughts as it pertains to my mental health.

I am severely mentally ill as a result of complex childhood trauma. I have known this for some time now, but, in my late 20s, the reality of that is only now fully sinking in. I have been able to outwardly portray myself as a functioning member of society in the past, but as I have gotten older, that facade is getting harder to maintain. I tried to go to college (3 separate times), and, despite my best attempts, did not possess the emotional regulation nor academic skills to power through a degree. I dropped out of school when I was 13, so this is not entirely surprising. As a result, I work in food service but cannot hold a job for more than a year. I haven't had a friend other than my partner since I was a teenager. I do not have a single hobby, nor do I have a particular interest in any. When I do try to engage in a hobby, I often become hysterical and angered at the slightest hint of failure. My anxiety/OCD is debilitating. I have agoraphobia and only leave the house alone for work.

I am a seemingly a "good person" but only superficially. I have realized that I am more similar to my abusers than I'd like to admit. I believe I have narcissistic traits. My inner thoughts are cruel. I am so terribly lazy and full of self hatred. I am manipulative. I will throw others under the bus to benefit myself. I do it in a way so no one ever realizes I was the source. I constantly lie, even about things that don't really matter. I truly don't think I am some sort of psychopath... I do care about people in my own round about way. I want to be a good person. I want to help others. I want community. I don't want to be anything like my family. But sometimes the weight of my own thoughts feel so heavy, and I become fucking selfish because I don't have the strength to do the right thing. It's like I have two voices in my head at times, and the one trying to lead me astray always wins.

Even with all of this supposed "self-awareness", I don't have the proper tools or guidance to dig myself out of this hole. I feel like I have to do something drastic (which of course always works out, lol...). I don't really know what type of therapy I should be searching for. I have seen many therapists in the past, but they never have seemed equipped to handle my level of trauma (what I have described here is only the tip of the iceberg). I am willing to pay out of pocket at this point if my insurance doesn't cover it. I have also been looking into IOPs -- not really sure if this is something worth considering (or if I am just being impulsive, as per usual). Would appreciate any and all advice here; please be kind because opening up like this, even if anonymously, is extraordinarily hard for me. Thank you!