PMDD

This is long and a bit of a ramble. I did not use ai to write or change anything.

Seeking perspective I will get the basic generics out of the way first. My wife and I are both in our mid 30s, we have been married going on 12 years and together for nearly 15. We have two kids, 8 & 7. We both work and make relatively the same salary. Kids both decent students with extra curricular activities they enjoy. Housework is evenly split and we have help Monday through Friday with cooking, dishes, laundry, and basic cleaning. We have some debt from Covid unemployment that has been difficult to get rid of but we aren’t behind on any bills and we are able to still have a vacation and do the things we want, not just what we need. I do most of the carting of the kids to and from the activities and I also coach baseball unwillingly because no other parents volunteer. We split homework duties with the kids.

I am seeking perspective specifically because as we have gotten older, post kids, my wife has developed PMDD. I understand the symptoms and the triggers and I am supportive in the ways that I can be. What I am trying to figure out is how much rude and mean behavior can I legitimize as part of these symptoms and what is just her seemingly despising my presence.

Over the past couple years I’ve been told that she’s leaving, that I should leave, that the kids and I can live how we want without her, that her and the kids can live better without me. That I’m a piece of shit, that I’m controlling, that I don’t do enough discipling of the kids, that I discipline too much. That I need to find alternative sources of income, that I work too much and put too much effort into moving up. That my face says I’m disgusted by her, that my body language says everything she needs to know about me. That none of that is true and it’s all the hormonal rage talking.

I take these things personally, I go to therapy, I do the work. I’m on medications. I am more involved with my mental health than my dad ever was. I’ve gone back to school and got a second degree. I am constantly chasing my tail for validation and acceptance because of this rage. I’ve been told not to take it so personally and to understand I’m a good husband and father.

This all causes me to spiral and when things get said, I can no longer cope and we argue. Arguing turns into her telling me to “pack my shit and get out”. I go sleep upstairs.

The kids don’t see any of this because it’s always after bedtime. She’s great with the kids. The rage is all directed to me.

It has gone from a couple days before her period to essentially the whole month minus 5 days immediately after her period ends.

A lot of things came to a head last week with the famous and widely discussed hung jury. I asked her if she felt that the justice system was going to set a dangerous precedent by saying you can be NGRI due to hormones, because that can work for both genders. I was met with tons of “red pill” accusations, then an argument about how it’s “obvious I hate women and want them to lose their rights”

I’ve never indicated anything to this end, nor did I give an indication of how I felt about the case.

Yesterday, my son was jumping on our bed while we were trying to watch our show “big brother” I had asked him to stop a couple times and he didn’t listen so I raised my voice and told him to go to another room. She told me I was being rude and dismissive.

So I got up and went to another room before I said something that would escalate things. I got a text saying how disconnected she felt from me all the time. I told her nothing I do works so why keep trying. She told me to get out of the house. We haven’t spoken since.

I know from therapy that yes I do carry my feelings in my face. I don’t know what to do about that. I do not want to divorce my wife. But it feels like she’s pushing me to do so. The entire reason I go to therapy is to ensure I’m not going to trigger her by being a toxic husband or father. But again none of the skills I’ve learned in therapy seem to matter.

I have asked her to attend couples counseling, or see a dr about hormones. She’s refused thus far. I just don’t know if I can keep this up. My mental health is below zero right now.

TLDR is help with hormones and not divorcing over them