:)

i dont get distracted anymore
i dont have 5000 simultaneous thoughts in my head, worrying about all the possible scenarios in which my life could be over

i haven't felt this free and whole since i was, like, 15

im okay now. im whole again. i can use my head the way in which i want to now. i can pursue my dreams and goals without thinking about whether i will be able to afford to survive anymore.

im still really screwed up. i still feel bad. and i lost your presence in my life because of how my life was, with all my problems. i dont think you'll want to come back. i will move on even though it hurts like hell, and even though i write these messages i'll never send in my notes.

i wasnt able to speak that day. nor that week. nor these last months. i wasnt able to tell you how wrong you were because ive been drowning for too long.
and instead of begging for help, i should've went through it and went back to the surface.

it'll be almost a year now since we last met. i still have the receipts and the memories. i still think about you. i still think about all the stories of your childhood that you told me about. i still feel like a teenager again whenever i think about you. and that last part doesnt even make sense to me. i felt something i havent felt in years with you. and i cant tell you. not now. not anymore.

i know the feeling you're having because ive once felt that too. and that person disappointed me.
i dont think ill disappoint you, im really improving a lot everyday. but i feel terrible. i dont think there's anything else you can feel when there's no positive reinforcement. i know that because ive barely received positive reinforcement when dealing with my life.

i dont know why you still have me on socials if you believe im just the things you said i am
i dont want to think about that anymore
i dont wanna keep thinking

i wish we could both put everything aside and talk one day. maybe not now, maybe not this month, but one day. i miss talking to you. i miss telling you dumb stuff and niche stuff i like. i miss you telling me dumb stuff and telling me about all the stuff you learn about.

i loathe how meaningless my life had become after my exam last year.
the exam was the only thing keeping me focused and happy for a long time, tbh. i did study a lot for it and i did do well. i wouldn't have been able to afford admission, so i didnt go for any interviews. i hope you know that.

but after that, i couldnt look forward to anything anymore. the work with the property has been going on for 4+ years. it got bleak and worse everyday after my exam, slowly.

i hope you know that, that dryness/lack of listening/etc. wasnt because of you. it wasnt because i lost feelings for you. it was my own emptiness because i had to confront the other work, and i had to be reminded of that work everyday, even when no changes were being made. both my parents are irrational, for their own reasons, and they dont listen to reality, they haven't been respecting the boundaries i tried setting, but i couldnt just let them go, because they had to depend on me.

not just that, but i needed the money as well, because i was paying their debt off too. now i can afford tuition for next year all by myself. without even using the money from the sale.

when i texted you today and i said that im glad we met, i wanted to tell you that im really grateful for you.
there was that one day where you said you were grateful for me, and i responded saying something like "i haven't really felt that way about you"

its not that i didnt feel grateful for you
it was the way you said you felt grateful for me, you were talking about how you had lots of thoughts on your mind and then started thinking about how grateful you are for me

thats what i didnt feel
i hadnt even gotten the time or space to think about you at that point. not because i didnt care. because i have been living in fear for years. the debt situation was so bad that my dad was planning to search for remote houses to live in, without internet access, while making me take a job and pay off his debt, while debt collectors look for him...? (this was literally his plan in 2024)

i had to convince him to sell this one property that he didnt even want, but for some reason he didnt want to sell. i had to spend years convincing him, because he neither wanted to finish buying it, nor did he want to get rid of it and get the money. it literally makes less and less sense the more detail i go into.

but yeah. thats not the point anyway.

i remember last year when we were talking about how we would push each other further and make sure we did everything better after i got back home. even though you don't want to talk to me, i do feel the same feeling in my head as that day, i feel a push to become better and better. back then, the push would come and go. now, i remember our conversation everyday.

I hope we don't end up becoming strangers.
I know that I'll be getting even better and better this year.

I cant wait to one day have a long conversation again, start talking again.
Bye, again. I'm going to be working even harder from today onwards.