Crossroads

Why do I always find a way to abuse things?

Had mental health and alcohol issues my whole life. Things came to a head last year and I went into a program for both issues. Clinicians diagnosed me with adhd and depression. I enjoyed the structure of the program and took my meds (Vyvanse) as prescribed . I felt like for the first time I could finally go back to college (attempted numerous times) in my thirties and finally complete it. Program finished and now I’m released back into the wild.

Then I started doubling my dose on days to get “more” done. Fast forward time I’m now completely unhinged when I get my prescription. It’s gone within days and then I’m rebuilding myself for the next 3 weeks until the next pick up. I’ll tell myself I’ll do a lock box, give it to someone to hold and administer, all the different scenarios that will make it work. Then it’s just rinse and repeat. I’ve read a few posts on here and ironically chuckled when I read someone went through the script in a few days. Im reading my own story and it’s not funny by any means it’s just that I know it. Hardly sleeping, spending an absurd amount of hours doing something completely useless, not eating, socializing, gaming, scrolling. I’m not finishing my college courses at all, in fact I’ve dropped out again.

I’m posting because I’m at that rock bottom again. I went into that recovery program at my wits end last year and came out feeling like I’ve finally figured out what’s wrong. With my adhd diagnosis, the meds I can finally get on with my life. Now I’m just doing the same thing again with a different substance.

I’m afraid of the “what if.” What if I can I just take my prescription properly and complete college and manage my adhd. When I was taking it as prescribed I had a schedule I followed , I ate well, worked out, kept organized, signed up for college, had a plan, honestly performed better in the bedroom than I ever had before too haha. Things were better than they had been perhaps ever before in my life.

I’m at the crossroads though now. Because I’m a recovering alcoholic I get drug screened. So I blow through my script but I keep one remaining so the day before I pick up my prescription I take that one and I’ll pass my test. I’ve got two weeks again until I renew. Obviously, this is classic addict behavior and I’m completely aware of how absurd this all is.

I know what everyone will say and deep down I know I need to come clean to Dr. I just feel like this has been a gut punch. No matter what I do I seem to find a way to f things up. I had some hope that I could turn things around with my meds and diagnosis and sobriety from alcohol. Now the future seems so grim again. I apologize if this post If this is all over the place. I’m in that day after period of realizing I’ve just done it all over again despite a month ago promising that I wouldn’t do this again :/