I don't know who I am or what I want anymore

I've been medically transitioning for the past 7 years and for the past year and half I've been constantly questioning and rethinking everything. It is driving me insane. I've realized I don't feel connected to any concept of gender. That has thrown me for a major loop because I can't tell what that implies for my transition. Do I need to be on estrogen? Do I need to present fem? Would I be happy living in a male body as a feminine spirit?

At the end of the day, my soul feels feminine. There are so many aspects of my transfeminine body that I love, but there are so many aspects of the male body that I admire and find myself wishing I had.

I know that transition doesn't have to serve a binary end, but I'm just no longer sure why I am doing this.

I love the way that people treat me when they perceive me as feminine automatically. I love being loved by partners who adore my femininity.

And yet I find myself wishing I could be loved that way, without a body at all. I wish I didn't have to care about this thing that feels so limiting and restrictive. My body sometimes feels like a container to make me percievable. I wish I felt only love toward it.

I don't know what I'll do. I've talked with so many people about it, and I just go in circles reasoning myself through a thought loop.

I'm really tired. I havent been dating for the past couple years because of this, because I have felt so incongruent. How could someone love my body if I cannot? It has become a subconscious feeling that I am not deserving of love, which I know is untrue. It still hurts to feel though.

I saw someone recently who was transitioning without hormones. They looked so radiant and self actualized. I felt jealous. I used to feel radiant too