I swear every time I get close to something I want, something goes wrong 😭

After my 12th (highschool)results, I scored 97 in Maths and 92% overall. I was pretty happy with myself, and over time I managed to collect around ₹70k of my own money. I thought I could finally get something I actually wanted, a proper gaming laptop.

My dad didn't want me getting a gaming laptop, though. Even though I had saved the money myself, that wasn't happening. So instead, I ended up getting a notebook laptop in July.

I tried to make the best of it. I started looking into building a PC with second-hand parts. I spent ages researching parts and prices, trying to put together something decent without spending an insane amount. Somehow the total still came out to around ₹70k.

Then I found a Ryzen 5 5600 for ₹3k, which felt like an actual miracle for once. I also got a 1660 Ti. For a brief moment, it looked like the PC might actually happen.

It didn't.

The whole thing was still too expensive, so I had to sell both. I got around ₹8.5k for the CPU and ₹7.5k for the GPU.

At this point I figured I'd just upgrade the notebook I already had.

Then began the eGPU rabbit hole.

I found out my ASUS M1407KA has a PCIe 4.0 x4 M.2 slot. I thought, "Okay, maybe I can actually make this work."

Then I found out the USB-C ports are only USB 3.2 Gen 1. No USB4. No Thunderbolt.

So I started researching M.2 eGPUs.

The problem? My only M.2 slot is already occupied by the SSD.

So then I started thinking about moving the SSD into an external USB enclosure. Then I wondered if I could somehow split the M.2 slot. Then I went even further down the rabbit hole and started researching whether USB4 could somehow be physically retrofitted onto the motherboard.

I was researching USB4 controllers, high-speed differential lanes, muxes, PD controllers, retimers, firmware support, motherboard routing and basically everything except how to accept that my laptop was not designed for this shit.

Eventually I concluded that the USB4 retrofit wasn't realistically happening, and with only one M.2 slot, the whole plan was basically a dead end.

So I moved on again.

I decided to build an OptiPlex setup with a low-profile GPU.

I found an RTX 3050 low-profile card for around ₹15k.

You already know where this is going.

I got scammed.

There went ₹15,000.

At that point I decided I'm not buying any more hardware until I rebuild that ₹15k. And honestly, that feels pretty unlikely right now.

So after all of that, I was just fucking sad.

Not even specifically because of the GPU anymore. It was the accumulation of everything. Months of saving, researching, planning, finding deals, changing plans, trying to make something work with whatever I had, and every time I got close to having something I actually wanted, there was another obstacle waiting for me.

So I went out and bought an ice cream and a coffee.

The ice cream was wrapped, and when I held it, I could feel that there was ice cream on both sides of the stick.

At first I thought I was imagining it.

Then I felt it again.

There was definitely ice cream on both sides.

And I got genuinely excited.

Which is honestly kind of fucking ridiculous because I'm 18 and it's an ice cream. I'm not six years old. I have literally been researching PCIe lane allocation and USB4 controllers, and somehow a slightly defective frozen dairy product had me feeling like I'd just won the lottery.

I remember thinking, "No fucking way. I got a double ice cream."

And for that tiny moment, I was actually happy.

Not pretending to be happy. Not trying to convince myself that something was good enough.

Just genuinely excited because I thought I'd gotten something extra.

Something I wasn't expecting.

Something that was actually more than the minimum.

I opened it.

The fucking thing jumped out of the wrapper and landed on the ground.

And the worst part?

There actually WAS ice cream on both sides.

The bottom half was shorter, but who cares? Free ice cream is free ice cream.

Except now it was free fucking ice cream on the fucking pavement.

At least I still had my coffee, right?

Nope.

There was this weird curd-like shit sitting at the bottom of the bottle.

I thought maybe it was just a bad bottle, so I bought another one.

Same problem.

Same fucking problem.

And after that whole incident, I just stood there.

For a solid 10 minutes.

Just staring at nothing and thinking about how unbelievably unlucky I felt.

And that's when I started thinking about how this isn't even new.

Stuff like this has been happening my whole life.

It's always felt like life has been keeping me hungry.

Not starving. Just hungry.

Like I'm always allowed to see what having something better feels like, just enough to want it, but never quite enough to actually have it without some catch attached.

I get close to something I really want, and then something happens.

I get enough money, but I can't get what I actually wanted.

I find the parts, but the build is too expensive.

I find a great deal, but I have to sell it.

I find a way to upgrade what I already have, but there's some hardware limitation.

I finally find a GPU I can afford, and I get scammed.

And then when I'm already upset, I go buy an ice cream because I just want one tiny thing to make my day better.

For a few seconds, I actually get excited because I think I got more than I was supposed to.

And even that ends up on the ground.

It's like life keeps putting food in front of me, letting me smell it, letting me get close enough to taste it, and then pulling the plate away.

And maybe that's why these things bother me more than they probably should.

Because it's not just this one PC.

It's not just this one laptop.

It's not just one bad purchase or one stupid ice cream.

It's the feeling that I've had this pattern following me for years.

Just enough.

Just barely enough.

Always enough to keep me hungry.

I know none of this is actually the end of the world. I know there are people dealing with things far more serious than not getting the gaming setup they wanted. I'm aware of that.

But sometimes I just want something to go my way.

Just once.

I don't want to constantly feel like I have to settle for "good enough." I don't want every nice thing to come with some ridiculous catch.

I'm 18. I know an ice cream shouldn't mean this much to me.

But maybe that's exactly why it did.

Because for a few seconds, that stupid ice cream made me feel like a kid again.

I wasn't thinking about money.

I wasn't thinking about hardware.

I wasn't thinking about getting scammed.

I wasn't thinking about what I could afford or what I had to settle for.

I just thought I got a fucking double ice cream.

And I was happy.

Then it fell.

And I just stood there for ten minutes.

Because when you've spent your whole life feeling like you're always just a little short of what you actually want, even a stupid little moment like that can hit way harder than it should.

Maybe that's why I'm so tired.

I'm not asking life to hand me everything.

I'm not asking to be rich.

I'm not asking for some perfect childhood where everything goes exactly how I want.

I just want to stop feeling hungry.

I want, just once, to get something I really wanted and be able to enjoy it without wondering what is going to go wrong next.

Because I've been settling for "almost" and "good enough" for so long that sometimes I don't even know what it feels like to actually get the thing.

Anyway, this is just a rant. I'm not asking for anything here

I just needed somewhere to put all of this because I'm tired of pretending it doesn't bother me.

I'm just fucking tired of being kept hungry.

I just wanted one fucking win.