Shooting Star Ice Cream from Baskin Robbins

Tw for child abuse.

I'm 18 years old, I'm going to college in another country in a month. My father works overseas so I'm used to not living with him, but I've lived with my mother my whole life. It's really safe to say that my mother doesn't like me.

I remember the first beating I got from my mother was when I was 8 years old. She was mad at me for picking the seeds from a papaya and she beat me enough to put me in a trance for the rest of the day. She's never been too gentle with me. I sound like I'm lying but I've never received a hug from my mother. I've never held hands with her. I've never spoken more than 2 sentences to her.

She's beat me over the course of my life so much that have 4 individual bumps on the back of my head from being thrown to the ground or my head being smashed against the wall, they ache whenever I have a migraine because it's damaged tissue. I've been slapped, scratched, stomped on, received multiple nose bleeds from her beatings.

A couple weeks before the most important exam of my life me and my sister had a loud argument so she picked up all my books and study material and threw them. She broke the computers keyboard so I couldn't use it. She beat me with a metal spoon until I had bruises all over my body.

My father, whenever I told him his has always said that she was raised in an abusive enviorment and that I shouldn't talk back to her because he can't change her now. He said that she still cooks dinner for me and washes my clothes for me so it does'nt matter. 

He said she was like a mother lion and would go to any length to protect me from others. I don't think that's true because my grandfather put his hand on my thigh in front of her and she didn't say anything. When I confronted her about it she got mad at me and said that so what, he's just your grandfather. This happened maybe last week. This isn't an isolated incident because one time, when I was getting ice cream from a vendor with her, the man kept caressing my hand weirdly when handing me things. She kept sending me to get ice cream from him and when I told her about it she said to just get it and that it wasn't that big of a deal. When I was walking home with her from religious classes an old man touched my shoulder and she said it was my fault.

Other miscellaneous things are her calling me wh0r3 and a 5lut when I was 9 for wearing a tee too tight or for a man hitting on me at the mall. She didn't let me go out with my friend to the mall after that(it was right after the brutal we had before my exam) and forced me to take my friends mother with us. I was 17. She hasn't taught me how to comb my hair or shave or how to use pads. I learnt it all online. I haven't had my birthday celebrated in years even when my brother's get their birthday cake and their birthday balloons and what not. She even hugged my little brother and they slept in the same bed and she would joke around with him and they'd laugh but she wouldn't let me get near her and push me away. 

My other brother's studying the same course I did and she's still helping him with studies but she hasn't taught me since like 5th grade even when my graded plummeted from moving countries because I was learning 2 new languages she didn't teach me. And my brother's get such bad grades and they can't even articulate a sentence and I know they're going to grow up to be nothing and she still talks to them more.

And I'm going to college in a month and even if I'm crying writing this and ranting about how I hate what she's done and how she's the worst and she doesn't care and my throat hurts, I still miss her already. It's not fair. I'm not even a bad daughter I'm going to be a doctor because she told me to I gave up arts and everyone always tells me how I'm so soft spoken and I'm so pretty, I look just like her. I don't know, I just want a mother to tell how I'm going to miss her when I go to college but I can't say it because I just can't. She doesn't deserve to have me miss her after all this but I still do and I can't help it. My mother isn't a good mother but I still need a mother.

Missing my mother and I hate it