We keep pretending it's a joke but I'm starting to think neither of us is joking

Me (24M) and my roommate (24M) have been living together for more than two years. We're both straight, or at least that's how we've always identified ourselves. We've both dated girls, had relationships, gone on double dates, etc. We also became extremely close friends very quickly. We basically do everything together: classes, food, gym, volleyball, errands, hanging out, sometimes even double dates.

For the first couple of years, everything was completely normal.

Then about three months ago, we went on a trip together and ended up sharing a bed for a couple of weeks.

That's where things started getting weird.

We started touching more, joking sexually, massaging each other, complimenting each other's bodies, touching each other's butts, cuddling, and generally becoming much more physically comfortable with each other.

At first I thought it was just stupid friendship humor.

But somewhere during that trip, I realized I was actually becoming attracted to him.

That was completely new to me. I'd never felt attracted to another guy before, and honestly, it scared/confused me.

The weird thing is that when we came back, the behavior didn't stop. It actually became more intense.

We started lying together on the bed and cuddling. He would sometimes pretend he was going to kiss me, getting closer and closer to my face before stopping at the last second. Eventually he started kissing me on the cheek or neck, sometimes randomly and sometimes as a joke.

I started doing it back.

He'd also make comments like, “If you were a girl, I'd definitely date you.”

He sometimes chose to spend time with me instead of his girlfriend, included me when he was with her, and would tell me that he wasn't even that close with her.

Then the sexual jokes became more direct.

Sometimes he'd ask me to touch him sexually or put my hand somewhere, but he'd always frame it as a joke. If I refused, he'd laugh and say he was joking. If I went along with it, he could still fall back on “I'm just joking.”

Then we'd go back and forth like that.

He'd joke about wanting to sleep with me, I'd joke about what I'd rather do instead, he'd reject that and say he was joking, and we'd end up right back where we started.

The frustrating part is that I don't want to do certain things just because he asks. I have my own boundaries. But I do want to explore the attraction I feel toward him, especially kissing and mutual physical affection.

Neither of us ever actually says what we mean.

It's like we're both waiting for the other person to admit something first.

Then he went away for three weeks.

He actually begged me to go with him, but I couldn't leave my job. When he left, we had this really strange emotional moment. We became quiet, were making eye contact, and were touching each other's hands and playing with each other's fingers.

It felt much more intimate than our usual joking.

After he left, I was honestly devastated.

I realized how attached I'd become and how much this whole situation was affecting me.

While he was away, I tried to move on. I started talking to a girl who I genuinely like and who seems interested in me too.

For a while, I thought maybe this would finally help me get over my roommate.

Then he came back.

And almost immediately, the physical teasing started again.

Not quite as intensely as before, but enough to bring all those feelings back.

Now I'm stuck between two people, except the situation isn't really fair to either of them.

The girl I'm talking to is actually nice, and I don't want to hurt her by pretending I'm fully invested when I'm not. My attention keeps going back to my roommate.

I've also started noticing something I never expected: I'm getting jealous when he talks to other girls.

Recently he met a girl online and became really interested in her. They spend hours talking, and he even tells her some of our inside jokes.

That really got to me.

I started wondering whether he's giving me just enough attention to keep me emotionally invested without ever actually intending to take things further.

I don't know if he's consciously doing that. Maybe he's confused too. Maybe he genuinely sees everything as a joke. Maybe there's some attraction there that neither of us knows how to deal with.

I honestly don't know.

Recently I finally reached a point where I thought: I can't keep doing this.

It's affecting my sleep, my mood, and how much I think about him.

So I decided to pull back.

I stopped initiating the touching and teasing. Normally, whoever wakes up first will go wake the other person up and cuddle. I stopped doing that. When we'd normally touch each other while passing by, I stopped.

He noticed.

He didn't directly ask me what was wrong, but the atmosphere immediately changed.

We talked less. He became quieter. Sometimes he'd still try to initiate some physical teasing, but I'd pull away.

One thing that really messed with my head was that he started repeatedly playing a song with the line:

“We could never be together, but it's nice to pretend.”

He kept telling me it was my favorite song and replaying that part.

Maybe that means absolutely nothing.

Maybe I'm just projecting because I'm emotionally involved.

And that's basically where I am now.

Part of me desperately wants us to work somehow.

Another part of me thinks I need to accept that this might never happen and move on before I completely exhaust myself.

My current plan is to pull away a little and see what happens. Maybe he'll eventually ask me what's wrong. Maybe I'll eventually find the courage to tell him how I feel. Maybe I'll meet this girl again and realize I can actually move on.

Or maybe this whole thing was just a strange phase between two extremely close friends.

I genuinely don't know anymore.

Have any of you experienced something similar? How did you deal with being emotionally attached to someone when neither of you was willing to actually acknowledge what was happening?