Questions about sexual intrusive thoughts

Context:

I have masochistic thoughts (rape fantasies, violence, slavery...) I consider unacceptable that at the same time cause arousal and whenever I try to search information about it, and it always find the same content: OCD and sexual intrusive thoughts. The description of what they are kinda seemed to fit what I experience so I just called it that and I also called it fantasies (the definition I meant: That which comes from one's imagination or the act of imagining things). I also kept hearing about ERP which is supposed to treat the compulsion part and as a result the thoughts are supposed to get weaker if I understood it correctly. If compulsions are what is fueling the thoughts then this is the logical solution.

Whenever I tried to discuss the topic of sexual intrusive thoughts with someone, there was always some kind of misunderstanding.

I got it wrong

One day I finally understood it (I think):

Apparently, sexual fantasies/desire are strictly distinguished from sexual intrusive thoughts.

And I was like: "Wait what?" because my thoughts have the characteristics of both as my mind is conflicted about the thoughts. One part of the mind is against it, while the other leans into it. And when I get aroused by it, I can't stop that. I was trying to suppress those thoughts in the past but that is counterproductive. And since I originally considered the thoughts intrusive thoughts and kept reading about the solution being to not do any compulsions, not judge the thoughts, letting the thoughts flow... I tried it, I let my mind wander freely and the result was that that one part of the mind wandered into those thoughts and leaned into them more and more since it was arousing and enjoyable. This to me sounds more like sexual desire, not like sexual intrusive thoughts.

The way sexual intrusive thoughts were described was: "they are a result of anxiety", "these are not thoughts that you entertain" "they are fueled by compulsions"

While the way my thoughts work seems to rather resemble someone on a no fap streak - one part of the mind wants to lean into the arousing thoughts until it's released while the other wants to continue the streak and when it fails to the urges it feels ashamed but at the same time it was enjoyable for the body.

But I also have to say that sometimes what happen was indeed that something (usually external) caused anxiety and as a result I felt that weird movement in the groin, very different from what I experience during normal arousal. This sounds like groinal response if I understood it correctly.

Origin of the thoughts

This is where it gets even more complicated. I have been drawn to masochism already as a child, what usually triggered it were things like seeing tied up captive in some series on TV. Since I have been moving a lot, I can constrain when something happened well and my estimate is that it started at around the age of five. And since I was a little child I didn't think much deeply about it and I even pursued in ways like tying myself up (how ironic since now I am extremely negative about it and tried to suppress it).

I considered the thoughts to be a problem when trying to fall asleep because that arousal kept me awake. In fact, that was probably my main problem since obviously I need to sleep and at the same time don't want to climax to such thoughts anymore. For example, one time I woke up at night and when the thoughts appeared, I couldn't fall asleep because of them. I'm not entirely sure how, I guess by letting go of compulsions, the thoughts were there, the mind was leaning into them, but since I was tired and didn't have too much accumulated arousal (which happens if one doesn't masturbate for a long time), I did manage to fall asleep while I had those thoughts, they were actually kinda soothing?!

This again shows how different it is from how intrusive thoughts have been described. When I let go of compulsions, the mind leans into the thoughts because they are pleasurable. Even when I refuse to masturbate to them now, that arousal still keeps teaching the reward circuit that it is rewarding.

I still didn't figure out what to do. Since suppression backfires I tried to instead focus on something else, I was developing so-called replacement fantasies that would provide sexual release without needing the problematic thoughts but it repeatedly keeps failing. The last time I tried it, it hurt to try to get off to something that didn't even arouse me at that point and which felt forced by the circumstances and my mind repeatedly escalated the replacement thoughts into more problematic thoughts, turning into the thoughts it was supposed to replace.

My questions

Did I understand the OCD terminology correctly?

Are sexual intrusive thoughts distinguished from (true) sexual desire like I described here?

Did I correctly identify my thoughts as not fitting into either box?