Context: My boyfriend(29M) and I(29F) have been dating for about 5 years. Most of our relationship has revolved around partying/heavy drinking. It finally came to a head for me about 2 months ago and I decided to check myself into rehab to detox because my life was falling apart. Which was kind of a shock to everyone including him. Not sure why though because I’ve been talking about cutting back/quitting for years as it gave me a ton of anxiety and we both obviously made a lot of bad decisions. I get out and have a conversation with him about my sober journey and that I’m not expecting him to quit along side me but I need him to be supportive and not communicate with me when he’s drunk because it’s a trigger. He basically says it goes without saying that he’s not going to drink either and he’s fully supportive. But he also downplays his own drinking a lot. 

There’s been 3 big things in particular since then that have really bothered me since they happened and we really didn’t reach an understanding the times I tried to initiate a conversation about any of them. He gets really defensive and in the past he said the issue is with my communication because of I come off too harsh, mean or dismissive which leads him to feel like I’m attacking him and he gets defensive. Well I’ve been therapy for almost 4 years now and I’ve tried really hard to work on understanding myself more and communicating how I feel clearly without coming off dismissive or minimizing his or my own emotions. 

This text exchange happens after he calls me wasted at 2 am asking him to pick him up after he goes out and drinks with his friends while I was at work until 11. He didn’t tell me he was planning on drinking just that he was going to hang out with two of his friends. My issue is less with that and more so with the fact that I made my boundaries super clear when it came to him still drinking and involving me in it. I already had a slip up since rehab because he mentioned to me with very little consideration that he did want to drink on his birthday at the dinner we planned. I do want to make it clear, I know my sobriety is my responsibility. I just felt like knowing everything I just went through and how new this is for me, he would’ve approached it a little more carefully. I tried to talk to him about that a week later after unpacking it in therapy and he just got really defensive and said he felt like I was attacking him even though I tried my best to not come off that way. 

Another incident was 5 days before his birthday weekend. I had a distant relationship with my moms side until the past couple years because my dad gets me away from them in childhood. She last minute invited me to a family gathering on that Saturday because it was planned last minute for my cousins birthday, whom I’ve never met. 

Context behind this: the last time either of us had seen my moms side was new years. He ended up drinking too much and was too aggressive with my younger niece and nephews and my sisters & mom said they didn’t want him over there anymore. Fine, I understood. 

I asked him if he wanted to go with me and he said no, also understandable. I had to work that Saturday but ended up finding someone to cover it the day this argument happens. Knowing it’s his birthday weekend and we had 3 days and 4 nights to celebrate, I asked him if he would be okay with us planning around me going over there for an hour or two since we still have to plan out Saturday being I just found out I was off and I also hadn’t seen everyone together in so long. We had planned to do a few activities but he’s more of a “wing it” type person so we hadn’t meticulously planned times or anything. Anyway it turned into a long drawn out thing and while I made room for and understood his disappointment, he was very unwilling to compromise. He called it a “sacrifice” and after agreeing to it begrudgingly, he was still so obviously upset that it didn’t feel like we reached a solution at all. It felt like the only solution was just me not going. Which I didn’t anyway because I ended up being hungover and utterly ashamed of myself. 

The third big thing was him getting drunk and calling me last night and the conversation that followed. I felt like I was doing a good job at explaining how I felt and by the end of it I just felt super confused. I feel like he’s still not really understanding where I’m coming from and I don’t know where to go from here.

AIO for wanting to end this relationship? It feels like I have to put in entirely too much effort just to communicate my emotions but am I maybe not communicating well enough or giving him enough grace? 

AIO- I want to breakup with my bf because since getting sober I’m realizing he isn’t that considerate of me