My girlfriend broke up with me in January, but we stayed close until August. Now I feel completely abandoned

I don't really know how to put this into words, but I need some outside perspective.

We were together for around 1.5 years. She was my first love and my best friend. I had never felt so good with anyone before. We did almost everything together. Over time, she became such a big part of my life that I gradually stopped spending time with some of my other friends. I didn't really feel like I needed anyone else because she was my partner, my best friend, and the person I wanted to share pretty much everything with.

One of the biggest problems in our relationship was communication. She had a hard time telling me when something was bothering her. Instead, she would sometimes keep things to herself until they had become a huge problem for her. When she finally told me about them, I took them very seriously and wanted to fix things. I genuinely wanted to work on whatever was wrong and make the relationship better. Looking back, I sometimes wonder whether some of our problems could have been handled differently if I had known about them earlier.

We broke up in January. Even though we weren't together anymore, we continued living together until July and stayed very close. We talked, spent time together and generally had a good relationship. Because of that, I never really stopped hoping that maybe she would eventually come back to me.

Even though the relationship had technically ended, she also gave me a lot of signs of closeness during those months. She would text me every day, both in the morning and at night. We would send each other reels throughout the day. If we hadn't seen each other for a while, she would tell me that she missed me. One time in May, after coming back from drinking with a friend, she told me that she still loved me. We also continued having regular sex, and our sex life was still very good especially for her. There were many little things like that which made it very difficult for me to understand what our relationship actually was and to believe that it was completely over.

I'm also struggling with depression, and during that time she was incredibly important to me. She supported me when I was having a hard time and helped me get through some really difficult moments. Her presence made things feel more manageable, and I felt like I wasn't completely alone in what I was going through. That's another reason why losing her has hit me so hard. She wasn't just my ex-girlfriend, she was my first love, my best friend, the person I did almost everything with, and someone who had been a huge source of support for me.

There was also another guy involved. We had a serious conflict about him in January. Even while she and I were still together, he would compliment her and tell her that she deserved someone better. This made me extremely uncomfortable, especially because I already felt that he was crossing a boundary with someone who was in a relationship.

What makes it even more confusing for me is that later she had said very negative things about him herself. Some pretty fucked up things had also come out about him, and the understanding was that she was going to treat him like he didn't exist and not maintain contact with him.

Then, in July, he invited her to a wedding. At that point, she wasn't saying that he had changed or that she wanted anything with him. The plan, as I understood it, was basically that she would treat him like air, take advantage of the fact that everything would be paid for, and just have a good time at the wedding.

She decided to go anyway.

That decision was a huge trigger for me. I completely crashed out and got very emotional about it. From my perspective, after everything that had happened with him and everything that had come out about him, it felt like she was making a choice that went against what we had previously talked about.

After that argument, I blocked her and went back to my own apartment. She followed me, crying, and was also angry with me. She called me things like narrow-minded and told me I had a closed mind. She said that she was only going to the wedding for fun, that she had no intention of maintaining contact with him afterwards, and that we weren't together anymore so I couldn't control who she spent time with. At the same time, she told me that she cared about me a lot.

That moment is still very confusing to me. On one hand, she was telling me that I couldn't control her because we weren't together anymore. On the other hand, she was crying, telling me that she cared about me deeply and reassuring me that the wedding was only about having fun and that she wasn't planning to pursue anything with him.

After I calmed down, I decided to forgive her for that decision. I trusted what she had told me. I believed that she was telling me the truth when she said it was only about the wedding and that she wasn't going to maintain a relationship with him afterwards. I didn't want to keep fighting about it, so I let it go and trusted her.

For me, this was especially painful because I had spent those months still being incredibly invested in her. I did a lot for her because I loved her and because I genuinely believed there was still a chance that we could get back together.

I would cancel my own plans for her. I would buy her flowers. I would put my own things aside to make sure she was comfortable and had what she needed. I tried to make sure she was happy, wasn't bored, wasn't hungry, etc. I didn't see these things as sacrifices at the time - I genuinely liked doing things for her. But looking back now, I sometimes feel like I was giving her absolutely everything while she was gradually moving in another direction.

That's also why I sometimes wonder whether I was being emotionally used. I don't know if she consciously intended to use me, and I don't want to unfairly label her. But she knew I still loved her. She knew I was doing all these things partly because I hoped she would eventually come back to me. And she still accepted all of that closeness, attention and care.

Then she went to the wedding.

After the wedding, things changed.

What hurts me the most is that she eventually decided not only to maintain contact with him, but to try to build a relationship with him. The person I had been uncomfortable with from the beginning, the person she herself had previously said very negative things about, and the person she had reassured me she wasn't going to pursue anything with.

That's where the feeling of betrayal comes from for me. I had been hurt, we had a huge argument, but eventually I forgave her and trusted what she told me. And then, not long afterwards, she chose to build something with him anyway.

At the end of August, she decided to completely end contact with me.

And this is probably the part I am struggling with the most.

For months, she had been my best friend. We had lived together after breaking up. I was still emotionally invested in her and still hoped that our relationship could come back. Then suddenly I'm no longer part of her life at all, while she is trying to find happiness with someone else.

Looking back at everything, I also have the impression that she was emotionally immature in many aspects. I'm not saying that as a diagnosis or trying to make her into a bad person. It's just how some of her decisions and the way she communicated with me feel from my perspective. After some of our conversations, I also found out that she intends to seek help from a psychologist. I genuinely hope she does, because I think there are things she needs to work through for her own sake.

There was also a betrayal involved, which makes everything even harder for me. I feel like I gave her so much emotionally because I believed it was leading somewhere. I was there for her, took care of her, tried to make sure she was happy and comfortable, and I genuinely enjoyed doing those things for her.

Now I sometimes wonder whether I was being emotionally used. I don't know whether she consciously did that, and I don't want to unfairly label her. But knowing that she knew how much I still loved her and still accepted everything I gave while ultimately choosing someone else makes me feel that way.

It's been about a month since the breakup, although I was still contacting her until about a week ago. So I've only really had a week of no contact.

I still love her. I still want her back. I know that might sound stupid after everything that happened, but I can't just turn those feelings off. I miss her not only as my ex, but as my best friend. The hardest part is that she feels like a stranger now - someone who once loved me and was the closest person in my life.

And honestly, right now I feel like garbage. I feel like I have no value of my own. I gave so much of myself to this relationship and made her such a huge part of my life that now that she's gone, I don't really know who I am without her. It feels like I gave up so much of my own life for the relationship, including other friendships, and now I'm left with a huge empty space.

Part of me still wishes that one day she will realize what she lost and regret her decision. I know I shouldn't build my life around waiting for that, but honestly, I still hope for it. I also know that wanting her back doesn't necessarily mean getting back together would actually be good for either of us. I just know that right now I still love her and I don't know how to let go.

I don't really know what I'm looking for by posting this. Maybe I just need someone outside the situation to tell me how this looks from their perspective.

Was I holding onto a relationship that had already ended because I couldn't let go? Was the way we stayed close after the breakup unfair to me? Did I mistake her staying close to me for a possibility that we might get back together? Did I put too much of my life and identity into one person? And is it normal to feel this completely lost after losing someone who was my first love, my best friend, and essentially the person I had built my daily life around?