I(46F) love my husband(46M), but am I wrong to think about leaving?

I (46f)have been with my husband (46m)for 15 years and married 13. He was divorced and had 2 children when we met. He told me on our first date he had a vasectomy and I was already leaning towards a child-free life, so it wasn’t a dealbreaker for me. We clicked immediately and we were basically inseparable after our first date.

I have always been sarcastic (probably to a fault), you could say it’s my love language. If I am always nice to you, you can pretty much conclude I don’t like you. And yes, I can take it as much as I give it. My husband knows this and knew this from the start, but I didn’t realize just how sensitive he actually is. I spent the first couple years together learning how to navigate his feeling’s, without saying something that hurt his feelings. For reference I was a 90s/2000s party girl, nothing I am ashamed of, that was just the life I lived, so now being with a man with an ex-wife (who did everything in her power to make the kids hate me and try to get me to leave him or him leave me), and 2 kids (3&4 when we started dating)was a big leap and lessons have been learned through the years. But 15 years later we are still together, I am very close with my SKs, I have raised and treated them as my own, and their mother and I still mostly do not get along, we can make it work for short amounts of time, but me and her have gotten into many arguments over the years. So I had to make a lot of tuff choices on when to keep my mouth shut over the years, as I am someone who speaks my mind. Between not saying something to her to keep the peace or not saying something to him to hurt his feelings. So I try to not upset everyone. When we moved in together I realized I had to change a lot of my habits now that children were involved and they have a mother who would love nothing more to find a reason the kids can’t be around me. That included not going out like I was used to and I stopped drinking like I did, and very rarely did I drank in front of the kids!

My husband and I have always stood together as a team and we have dealt with every issue head on, and we have been doing fine. Both kids were in sports in school and clubs outside of school, and I have been to every game, cheered the loudest, put the kids over everything else as i felt a parent should do. But over the last couple years as the kids have gotten older, sports have wrapped up and and we can do things without them, things have started changing. He has been more active with his friends, bowling league, cornhole league, multiple baseball teams. Me and SD joke that “he left me home again to play with his friends” and that I’m a single stepmom now, it’s a joke and we both laugh about it, but even she realized he’s doing all these things 4-5 nights a week without me. I’m not a pick me girl, so if he wants to do activities, that fine, but I was started to feel like I put in all this effort into our family for children that aren’t even mine, and I loath sports! But I did these things because that’s what makes them happy, and that’s what I care about the most! And I do not regret 1 second sitting on the sidelines in the cold and rain for them! It wouldn’t have been the life I chose, but I love it non the less. So when he now has the time for all these activities, I thought he would choose me to do things with. He asked me multiple times if I wanted to join a couples bowling league, and I always said yes, but he always “missed” the sign up, or didn’t know where to sign up. So I told him to just stop asking me. I think it got to him when SD started saying something about him always leaving me home alone, so he went down to part time bowling, didn’t do cornhole this year, but is still on 2 baseball teams.

About 2 years ago he stopped drinking (he does 420 all day everyday though), he didn’t drink that much, and by this point I only drink socially, and with him not drinking now, I am constantly feeling like I have to watch how I act and what I say, and even being tipsy and sometimes drunk, I am still careful how I choose my words when I am joking around because I know what will upset him. Last month my best friend came to visit, we didn’t see each other for about 10 years due to living cross country and both having kids and such, but the last couple years we have been trying to make plans once a year. She came to visit and we did things just her and I and we also hung out with my husband and planned a night out all together. When me and her are together, Watch out! lol both of our love language is sarcasm, we can talk shit to each other all day and never hurt each others feelings. Thats probably why we’ve been friends so long! It felt so good to act like myself when I was with her! But we went out and she was being sarcastic to my husband. The next day he won’t talk to us, he left the room and just went to the bedroom, I asked him multiple times what was wrong he kept saying nothing, finally I made him tell me what he was mad about and he said “you don’t know how to handle your alcohol, you always go too far, and I’m done” I tried to make him clarify what “I’m done” means but he wouldn’t answer. I apologized for whatever upset him and left the room. He came out a while later calmed down and talking to us again.

I want to be clear, I am not a drunk or an alcoholic, I barely have a couple drinks a month and only drink drink at events, like concerts, a party, bbqs etc, and even that is maybe 3-5 times a year. Because since he has quit drinking he just acts like he’s better than everyone, we still go out with friends and family, but now that he doesn’t drink with me I feel like he’s constantly judging me and I have to be more careful how I act around him. His bowling league started this week and I made made a joke “go have fun playing with your friends” as he was leaving. He made the comment “I would do things with you but you never want to do anything” and he’s right, because I don’t feel like constantly watching every word that comes out of my mouth and I don’t want to go out because what if I drink too much for his liking.

I have asked him to go to counseling a couple times, he doesn’t want to go, I told him it’s not for issues, but just a tune up of our marriage, we have been though so much in the 15 years we’ve been together! For him to just say “I’m done” with no further explanation, I don’t know how to feel anymore. Yes, I am loud, I am sarcastic, I can be a pain in the but, but when we got together I felt like someone finally understood me and accepted me for who I am, and now I just feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells worse then when I had to deal with his ex-wife. And my close friends are starting to notice. I just feel like I can’t do anything right anymore, but when I bring something up and try to talk to him, and tell him how I am feeling, he immediately pulls the “I guess I’m just a shitty husband, I can’t do anything right” he starts crying and next thing you know I’m trying to calm him down. Yes, I am aware that is a gaslighting tactic, I was raised by a narcissist so I do know the signs. And because I was raised by a narcissist I feel I have a good grasp on reality and I have built myself into a strong woman. So for me, having to walk on eggshells is really hard.

I guess I just feel like I have given so much of myself for our family ( and his family, because I don’t have a family I am close to), I thought this would be our time together to start a life without a court order, with our adult kids, but I just feel like I can’t do anything right anymore, so I just keep to myself, stay home, and I’m starting to feel resentful. To be clear he is an amazing father and a great husband, we have always had a rock solid relationship, but the last couple years have been hard and I feel sad and angry all the time.

Also I have entered peri/menopause, and that is not helping!!!!!!! I try to explain how it is effecting me, but he doesn’t understand, all he understands is I am always hot and moody. I will send him a reel or something about men talking about it and how it is effecting them, then he seams to understand for a couple days, then it goes back to normal. The biggest issue for him has been my lack of libido. He will try to initiate and I will say no, not tonight, etc. but it doesn’t stop, he will keep going for like an hour, and then will say “fine, I guess I will never touch you again” and he gets all mad and I have to comfort him, or I will pull him back and do it so he’s not upset. (again, yes, I know). I’m just exhausted! It’s starting to feel transactional, if we do, he’s extra nice to me for a couple days, then he initiates again, I say no, and the cycle continues. He’s not openly mean to me, he’s not making my life hell or anything, but I feel like if I don’t do it, I have to deal with his attitude right after. And the next day it’s like nothing happened.

I am not perfect, like I said I know I’m a pain in the butt, I’m stubborn, I hold grudges, and I firmly believe in cutting someone off for your own mental health! I had to cut my mother off because I couldn’t deal with her anymore. I love my husband and want to get past this, but
I cannot get past the “I’m done” comment with no further explanation. I know he doesn’t want a divorce, but I also don’t think he wants to work on things, like if he ignores the problem, it will go away. He is very non confrontational!

Any advice is welcome!

tl:dr Am I wrong for thinking about leaving, or should I be fighting harder?