poor and disordered

a lil vent or something.

I feel comfortable posting this here because I'm sure in any other sub I'd only be told to just stop being vegan period. I wanna hear advice from vegans who have been through it.

I moved out a week ago and am now living in a dorm and as soon as I did this I went vegan. I think have arfid, I guess. I've never been diagnosed but considering most food genuinely makes me puke with no medical reason, I don't see what else it could be. If you don't know what it is, it's an eating disorder that causes you to see most food as inedible or ig dangerous, like it was fecal matter or something of that sort. I also have pretty big body hate and often starve myself because of this, in the past I was even a binge eater, and have a history of chewing and spitting, of trying to purge, but now I generally hate food and feeding myself, especially these days.

Those things make it hard for me to be vegan. I've genuinely been in such extreme distress this week, mostly because of the lack of food. where I am I don't have cutlery, cooking supplies, ingredients, etc. only today I've been able to get a measuring cup and a plate and a pan. everything costs way too much and earlier today I was in the reds on my bank account and my card was blacklisted by the bus line I use to get home. but that's besides everything, nothing to do with food.

I go to markets often and barely buy stuff because of my lack of money and I always end up in the meat isle and get teary eyed wishing all that stuff was mock meat instead. but even then because of my arfid it doesn't necessarily make it safe. soy is a big trigger for me, I can't even drink soy milk or anything like that, and most veggie meats here are made of soy. everything that I see has traces of milk or eggs. there's barely anything a vegan could eat. why is everything centered around animal based food??

I've genuinely been sussisting on just various types of breads and eating once a day. I'm pretty sure I ate 500 calories today, and I feel physically horrible. I constantly get migraines, I'm dizzy as I'm writing this. I wasn't feeling this bad when last year I was eating <600 calories a day (I'm very short btw). I just keep thinking, "I'm not doing this for me, I'm doing this to not contribute to animal suffering, it isn't about how you feel." It keeps me sane but the brain fog is getting to me.

I often even avoid eating because in my dorm people steal in the shared kitchen and my locker's broken and I genuinely can't afford to have someone steal my stuff. I bought some vegan meats that I could like (seitan based, I hope I can eat it, otherwise I don't know what I'll do) and I'm paralyzed by anxiety. It's so surreal, I haven't gone with such little food in months, and now everything tastes like the sweetest thing ever or the tastiest, greasiest saltiest thing ever, no matter what, like my body is trying to get me to eat, but I genuinely can't bring myself to get up to do it.

when I go back home I'll be forced to eat carnivore food. I already feel my face hot and teary thinking about it. through all of this, meat has started to disgust me a whole lot, but I miss the byproducts so much and I hate myself for that. there's no options here for it. you can't find vegan pizza or vegan lasagna... those are the things that I'm missing the most. I linger on them in markets and just... wish. It's been getting so hard for me.

I know, you'll tell me to see some mental health professional but in my experience they've only ever treated me like I was anorexic, or just a weirdo. It's dire. I'm not anorexic yet, I just hate food and hate what food is made of. they'd def tell me to stop being vegan. and if I have to focus on something I'd rather talk about other stuff with a therapist, stuff that doesn't have to do with food.

(If you were wondering, my unsafe foods are any plant food that isn't fruit, a certain bread they make from chickpea in my country, breads in general, potatoes, desserts, konjac jelly, rice milk, plain pasta and pasta with tomato sauce, ramen noodles (the brands here aren't vegan though, I looked), parboiled white rice, plant based yogurt, zucchini, cereal. am I cooked?)