Took heartbreak to find myself

A month ago, I split up with my partner of eight years. She broke up with me on the day I returned from a three week trip with my twin brother who lives on the other side of the world. I had also recently been made redundant, and I'd only moved to live in the same country as her a couple of years earlier. So, after a 30 hour flight with maybe 2 hours of sleep I suddenly found myself without a relationship, a job, or really knowing where I would stay in the middle of the night.

It was a difficult time for both of us, and looking back, I can only imagine how much she must have been carrying herself to reach the point of making that decision. There must have been a lot of emotions and resentment behind it that I hadn't fully understood. At the time, I was still thinking about our future together, while she had clearly been experiencing the relationship very differently.

It forced me to look back at the person I had been when we first got together, and the person I had slowly become.

I struggled through university with undiagnosed ADHD(now diagnosed), and not being able to pass changed how I saw myself. After changing degree and passing university I never really found a job I enjoyed. Then I lost my dad, someone I loved deeply. Somewhere along the way, I became more avoidant. I withdrew into myself and from someone I loved, even though I never stopped loving her. I'm not using these moments in my life as excuses for my actions. I worked longer to make deadlines at work because I couldn't ask for help. I spent time isolating to try manage my issues and emotions alone. I wish I knew how I was managing my life and my relationships. I wish I wasn't so blind that I couldn't see the person I'd become.

I used to be ambitious. I used to be passionate about almost anything I put my mind to. I used to dream about what my life could be and look at the world with this feeling that there was so much out there to experience.

Over the years, I lost that part of myself.

I became a shell of the person I used to be without really noticing it happening.

Today I remembered my old view on the world.

It brought me to tears. Partly because I was grieving the loss of my dad, the loss of someone I had loved for eight years, and the loss of the person I used to be. But also because I remembered how I used to celebrate life and I knew I hadn't lost that person forever.

No one gets to leave life with anything. We only get the time we're given and the experiences we choose to have with it.

I've lost someone I loved for eight years, and I don't know what the future holds. I'm afraid I've lost her forever. But I think this experience has forced me to finally look at my life and ask what I actually want from it.

Maybe that's the strange gift hidden inside all of this.

If I hadn't gone through this, maybe I could have stayed lost for much longer.

So I'm going to try to find that person again.

To dream again. To be ambitious again. To be curious. To say yes to things that scare me. To experience as much of life as I can.

To stop protecting myself from the parts of life that make me uncomfortable and start being valuable with the people I love.

To embrace what life has to offer, so I never forget what it feels like to be truly alive.

This heartbreak has kept me up every night for a month, only sleeping once I'm emotionally exhausted. I still love her deeply but I want to respect her space, if it is meant to be then it will be.