Still feeling affects of parents divorce 10 years later

I was about 15 when they divorced(25 now). My real father was never in my life. My mother and my step-dad at the time got together when I was about 8. I grew very close with him, basically viewed him and felt like he was my real father. He got me into all my hobbies and passions that I still carry to this day.

Anyways. it felt like we/I had a real family for the first time in my life. It wasnt perfect but thats normal. But it felt like a real family. Then they divorced when I was 15. I didnt realize how hard it was on me at the time. My younger siblings and mother were taking it so hard. While I wanted to be strong for them and be there for them. I wanted them all to know I still loved them... but I kind of just held everything in. It was slowly killing me inside without realizing it.

I started smoking weed, which I believe was my way of me trying to numb everything. Then I started experimenting with other drugs later on. We used to do 1 week on, 1 week off at my step-dads and mothers place. My step-dad was more strict, so I eventually slowly stopped staying at his place so I could smoke weed. Which I regret so so so much, because our relationship and bond slowly faded away.

My mother took it so hard. She started having her own ways of coping. She started partying a lot. Basically; She would be out partying the whole week. While I was home alone and my siblings were at my step-dads place. Then I had free range to do whatever I wanted. Like staying out all night during school nights just doing bad stuff in general.

My mom rushed into a relationship after the divorce and had a kid with this new man. It all happened very suddenly. We basically didn't really know the guy until she told us they were going to have a kid and that he would move in. All within about a year of the divorce.

They had my brother, and it was all very weird. It felt like my brother, mom and her boyfriend were this new family. While my sisters and I just kind of felt like we were living there with this new family. It still feels that way to this day. We kind of all went our own ways. I just feel like I haven't had a family since then. And its been super hard, I just yearn for those days before. My mother and her boyfriend are super toxic and not good for each other at all. Just feels like a broken home.

I dont know... I just feel like I have no family or that I am apart of one anymore( I know Im 25), but I just see other friends have these healthy families with all close bonds and it just hurts. I just wish I had that, rather then feeling completely alone in this world. Im not close with any other family at all. I was always the black sheep even before the divorce. It makes me never want to have a family, mostly of the trauma that I know marriages aren't guaranteed to last forever which I witnessed at a young age. But apart of me wants to create a healthy family that I wish I once had. It effects all my relationships with people to this age. I dont trust anyone, I feel like all relationships will end eventually so I let relationships fade or just prevent them from happening.

Sorry for this trauma dump and rant. I just genuinely don't have a single person to talk to anymore. I dont have any friends anymore, dont have a partner anymore, not very close to family anymore.