Why are we here? Just to suffer?

Hey folks!

I am a 26-year-old AMAB, and "extremely" (in my eyes) male-presenting person.

Due to my societal paradigm I usually go by he/him pronouns; ideally I'd go for they/them, it, or any pronouns, really. I've identified as at least somewhat non-binary for the last 5 years, and in the last 10 minutes have considered maybe being agender, which, idk, maybe? I live in Spain, which isn't extremely hostile to trans/non-binary folk, yet I hail from a somewhat "small" town.

I am trilingual. My native tongue is easy enough, since I can identify with any pronoun in it. The problem is, for example, Spanish has a neo-pronoun for the non-binary form, which I could never personally adopt. Besides that, I'm comfortable with he/him, and I experience euphoria when I hear a stray "she."

Not sure how to put this, but I sometimes wonder: "Is this enough?" "Am I enough?" I don't feel the need to dress in gender-specific clothing. Ideally I'd always wear some kind of form-hiding clothing... think Jawas from Star Wars, or any other formless being (?), which basically leaves me with men's clothing to choose from.

I know how to identify a bicycle, not so much an enbicycle, but I have seriously been drifting throughout the years...

A problem I do have is that my cycle doesn't include wearing traditionally female clothes and/or being extremely overtly feminine, and I don't really pass as androgynous anymore, especially after my twink death... Androgyny is key, but only so much can be achieved being a "MAN."

Society perceives me as such, and hence I end up perceiving myself as such, to the point I genuinely get irked when the proverbial "men are X" comes up (it does quite a lot with my girlfriends), since I think others perceive me as a man, I get doubly offended. Not because I get offended on men's behalf, but because I feel it's directed at me, since anyone who doesn't know me would see me as such (insecurity/traumatic response idk). And even those who know about my thoughts and feelings (as far as I know) don't see me as anything other than a guy, and if anything, a slightly fruity one. Only one person ever said, "Ok, but you're not a man." The usual response being: "you're one of the good ones"

I have lowkey ruled out full-on transitioning, since there's really nothing to transition to since I don't really identify with a specific gender. But that leaves me in a weird spot... I do feel more comfortable with English speakers, since I get to actually experience that euphoria. But I have locked myself into being a "man" without identifying as such...

This was a vent and/or rant, but I'd actually appreciate any feedback from those who have resigned themselves to living as their AGAB, and/or have felt similarly. Maybe in regard to being identified as your AGAB, but not actually identifying as such (?).

Am I just needlessly torturing myself? This and more in tonight's show — cue ads

TLDR: Living as a cis male and don't identify with it. Experiencing "gender dysphoria" and not that much I'd know to do about it... I'm old and confused lol

^(sorry if i come off as ignorant/and or dumb, haven't partaken in this kind of discourse in years)