(F19) Should I move in with my BF?

Thinking about moving in with my long distance boyfriend because I honestly can’t stand living in this house with my n-mom anymore. I can’t tell if it’s the right choice or not.

At the end of the day, I know it’s ultimately my decision and entirely mines but the trauma I endured living with solely my mom has me feeling fearful even if I leave the house. The way my mom raised me makes me feel like I can’t live without her, like if I try to do anything alone, I’ll fail.

My whole life it was just me constantly trying to get her approval and her reassurance because consistently I would get hit/beat whenever she was slightly frustrated with me, and she would degrade me over minor inconveniences. She is also quite neglectful. It took me a really long time to realize that I was never the problem— it was mainly her anger and the fact that she only thinks about herself. But because of all this— I feel like.. afraid if I try to leave. Like she’ll try to hurt me or get in my head to try and change my decision of moving. Maybe even potentially cut off support from other family members.

There have been several times I tried to make my own independent decisions and career choices now that I’m becoming an adult and she just talks down on me whenever she hears something she doesn’t want me to do. Like for example— I told her I felt that I had enough courage to pursue maybe doing an LPN program and she laughed at me, ridiculed me and told me she could never imagine a person like me working a job like that. After that conversation with her I feel so insecure about even looking into healthcare.

She’s the type of person I need to walk on eggshells for or I suffer the consequences.

I’ve also been having to take a lot of care of my siblings because my mom hasn’t been home much lately, just working night shift and during the day sleeping. On her days off she’s treating only herself and her boyfriend in ways like going to bars, traveling out of state almost 3-4 times every week and clubbing. I feel like I’m my siblings mom and I feel pressured to take responsibility for them. It’s just heavy on me because I have my own battles I’m fighting from the trauma she gave me.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year.

My boyfriend is younger than me— He’s 17 but will be 18 in about 4 months. He’s still in highschool and still living with his family.

He isn’t working.

His family are a bit lower income than my mom’s. But honestly I feel so much happier when I’m at his house. They live in upstate NY while I’m staying in CT. His family is extremely laidback and I feel genuinely cared for whenever I come over.

One time I had to call out of work because I had a terrible fever, and I had to call out of work which I got scolded for by my mom. The difference between my mom and my bf’s mom was so telling it made me sob.

My mom treated me like I was slacking off and just didn’t want to come in. Mostly every time I’m sick she doesn’t care for me because she only sees me as someone who complains and is overly sensitive. Although I called out that day— I didn’t even feel comfortable taking a nap when sick because my mom occasionally will hit me while I’m sleeping if she’s frustrated or yell at me for taking naps. Later on in that week I went to my boyfriend’s house, still a little sick (just a headache and a sore throat), and his mom seemed really concerned about me. She went out of her way to make me food and give me medicine, checked on me I wanna say about 3 times. I felt cared for. I really felt like I had a mom in that moment. I cried for a really long time to my boyfriend because I wish my mom could be like that.

I’m at a point where I just really want my own space, away from her. I don’t feel like I can be myself when someone who’s judged me for every little thing I do is living with me. I know I won’t improve mentally and just in general as an individual if I stay there with her. But it’s hard because I feel like I’ll look stupid for moving in with my boyfriend.

Traveling costs have been a lot too because I see him frequently and it takes a lot from my paycheck. I’ve been getting really depressed because of our distance and I miss him so much. Going to his house also feels like an escape for me, mentally, if that makes sense. I still carry that fear she instilled in me so I feel that anxiety/pressure every-time I come home. I don’t want to take responsibility for her kids anymore as well. As much as I love them, I really want to preserve my mental health.. Any slight thing nag at me or the things she says about me really gets at me emotionally and ruins my esteem. I care about her too much despite the ways she’s hurt me.

If I do move, I wanna move towards my future and go back to school. He wants to start working once I’m there so we can work towards getting our own place.

TL;DR —> I’m 19, living with my abusive mom and siblings. I’m afraid to move out/lacking courage because mom used to be super abusive towards me physically and emotionally, but now is just acting neglectful and making me take care of her kids so she can party. I want to move in with my boyfriend but he’s younger and still lives with his family. Unsure if this is the right move. He lives in another state. I don’t have a car.