20F here, I know it's unusual but I need to have an answer for this. Does it ever bother him

Back when it was happening, I was too mentally, emotionally, and physically drained to comprehend what was going on. Even after it ended, I was in a dark place for a very long time. But now, as I slowly begin to recover, looking back on it creeps me out.

Something was deeply wrong with my ex. And by wrong, I don’t mean typical toxicity or volatile moods. He wasn't the obvious "bad guy" you instinctively avoid. To the rest of the world, he was perfectly attractive, ambitious, intellectual, and driven by high morals and ethics. His entire public persona contradicts who he was with me so completely that if I didn't have proof, I would think I hallucinated the whole thing.

We met during a particularly dark phase of my life. He was a senior, a year ahead of me—warm, bright, and impossible not to fall for. He was the most charming man you could ever meet. He spoke out passionately about women's rights and domestic abuse. He excelled academically and professionally. Everyone saw him as a good man. But behind closed doors, I experienced a side of him no one else saw.

He claimed he had "anger issues," but his aggression went far beyond an issue. On our very first day together, he strictly forbade me from telling anyone about us, claiming "people would judge us"—even though we had no glaring age gap or differences that made any sense to hide. His first violent outburst happened when someone casually asked him about me. He accused me of "exposing" him. His rage lasted for hours, terrifying me to the point where I was shivering, almost getting slapped. Then, without warning, his anger turned into lust. It wasn't romance—it was deeply disturbing and traumatic.

I forgave him, thinking it was a one-time mistake. But after that day, something shifted. Out of nowhere, he would snap into terrifying aggression. Seconds later, he would act as if he hadn't just almost hit me or forced himself on me. The contrast was incomprehensible. How could someone who publicly championed women's safety act like this in private? It felt like he became an entirely different person.

I learned to fear him. He threatened me, verbally abused me, and mocked my panic attacks—only to act moments later as if nothing had happened. He isolated me, controlled my calls, monitored my photos, and strictly silenced me. Whenever I tried to confront him, he turned vulnerable, flipping the narrative until I felt guilty for even questioning him.

The violation extended into every corner of my life. I felt physically sick when I discovered he had made a deal with his friend to share my private pictures. That same friend went on to become my stalker, turning my life into absolute hell. On top of that, he took deeply personal family matters—things I had trusted only him with—and exposed them to a random stranger who spread them everywhere.

He was completely indifferent to my pain. While I was hospitalized, he actively cheated on me. When I found out and confronted him, his violence only intensified—crying one second, violently abusive the next.

I still suffer from chronic illness, sleeping paralysis and panic attacks. The stalker still stalks me. I wake up in pain, every morning. While he is out there living without any hint of conscience. Sometimes I just wonder....do he ever realize my painful it has been for me.