relapsed

I don’t really have anywhere else to speak about this but I relapsed and cut deeper than I ever had before about two weeks ago now. I needed stitches and actually just got them taken out today but the cut scared me worse than anything before. All I remember was looking down, seeing the gaping wound, and starting to scream, cry, and hyperventilate.
The next morning I confessed everything to my sister who took me to ER and I got stitches. Everyone was very caring and my sister supported me but I still feel like I can’t truly talk about anything with her. I have been living with debilitating anxiety since I was 11 (I’m turning 20 in a few weeks) and it has ruined my life. I have no more energy for anything. I am so anxious all the time that it completely drains me. I have horrible intrusive thoughts that make me feel sick and repulsive and terrified. I’m not even sad anymore I just feel so numb and so tired and I don’t know what to do anymore.

When I got my stitches, the nurse referred me to an on-site mental health ward. I was willing to go and see if they would help me, but it made me feel awful.
They directed me to wait inside with actual inpatients while they were having lunch and hanging around. I didn’t even know this was allowed? I had all my bags and stuff with me, but they didn’t even check to see what I had on me? Anyways, after about 15 minutes of waiting with no communication from staff, I decided to leave before getting dragged back in by security. The doctor took me to a white room and locked me in there for about 15 minutes again. I was beyond anxious and I wanted nothing more than to go home and leave that place. I could literally hear them restraining someone outside the room who must have been having an episode. I was so terrified, if they had windows I would have absolutely broken out :/
Well then the doctor came to see me and did the routine “why did you do that” stuff. I made up an excuse because truthfully I don’t have a reason. I just wanted to cut myself. He then went on to tell me that “I’m young and have to think about how self harm could look to future employers.” ?????????????? I mean I’m not even thinking about the future really haha?? Again I just wanted to leave, so I agreed and promised I wouldn’t do it again. I got discharged just fine but jeez that was an exhausting experience.

Anyways, I thought that scare would be enough to put me off SH forever but it’s constantly on my mind. The stitches felt more validating than anything before and I hate that I think like that. The thought of it makes me sick but that obsession is always there.

I’m sorry this is so long I just wanted to finally get that out