Scummy BIL

My husband and I have been married for 11 years, together for 12. We were long distance throughout the time we were dating and our engagement. Husband has a brother, we’ll call him “Evan,” who is 33 and currently the bane of our existence.

Evan and my husband used to be super close. I also had a great relationship with Evan independently of my husband. During the long distance part of mine and husband’s relationship, we would regularly meet for coffee, breakfast, drive to church together. We genuinely had a great relationship and I considered him to be older brother, something I never had.

Then at some point, he dwindled away to someone I absolutely can’t stand and now my husband and I are strictly no contact with him. Yes, drugs are/were involved.

He went off the rails, beat up his girlfriend at the time, caught 27 charges in a single night one of which was impersonating my husband. He’s stolen license plates from our vehicles because he no longer has a license and cannot register a car on his own. He has struck his mother, my MIL, who has gone to the ends of the earth to support him through it all, including bailing him out of jail in another state at the opposite end of the coast.

Husband has socked him a time or two because of these things, but at the request of MIL, we made amends despite BIL never attempting to repair the relationship. We let bygones be bygones, involved him in family celebrations, dinners, celebrated his birthday, let him drop in whenever, and included him on family vacations we paid for since he lives with MIL and FIL who also came on these vacations, and husband even got him a good job where he worked, working the same shift, to alleviate the hassle of my in laws driving him around. We had a peaceful few years up until last spring.

BIL left the job husband helped him get to “start his own construction business.” He has ripped off many of customers, performed sub-par work, and cut corners for the sake of getting a quick payout. He asked my husband to help him with some jobs. Somehow, Evan decided that husband’s willingness to help him with some jobs meant husband would be using every single day off from his 9-5 to help him. When husband informed him otherwise, this caused Evan to spiral. Following that, Evan sent husband over 300+ texts in one night trying to bait my husband into a fight (we think he had some unresolved beef with husband since he lost the other two and was determined to redeem himself). Some of the things he said included calling me a barrage of names, including a c*nt, fat white trash, and so many more. He threatened to come to our home and break every window. He made threats about what would happen if he saw me or husband out in public. I don’t pretend these things didn’t hurt me or unnerve me. But what really broke things is when he decided to bring our children into it. He called them a slew of things, including fat and ugly. At that point, I took it upon myself (with husband’s agreement) to enter the chat and told him explicitly he was to have zero contact with me, my children or show up at my property and that if he did, I’d call the police. This threw him into a whole other spiral and he lashed out 10x worse. Normally I wouldn’t get involved, but I wanted written documentation in case he pulled some shit AND I wasn’t about to let anyone talk on my children.

More has happened since this more recently including him approaching me in public and making a scene. Today he spends his days screaming at the sky about my husband. He treats my in laws who he still lives with like absolutely garbage. This is perhaps the worst part. My MIL and FIL absolutely adore my kids and are wonderful active grandparents who regularly hosted sleepovers for my older two. But obviously, that doesn’t happen anymore due to BIL being there. My kids constantly ask why they can’t go to their grandparents anymore. I’ve explained that “Uncle Evan has done and said things that were unkind and hurtful about them, my husband, and me and they are worthy of love and respect. He is not a safe person for you to be around.” They understand, but they occasionally get really upset about not being able to spend the time they were having with the grandparents.

There’s no real solution to this unless in laws kick him out. MIL is heartbroken that the girls can’t go over, but understands. FIL seems to have just accepted what is. The whole thing just really sucks and I wish Evan would get help.

Thanks for reading a long winded vent.