girl dinner is 2 huge pieces of boiled eggs cause i'm too sad to eat, but still need to eat!

i feel like this is just how it's meant to be for me. ever since childhood up to today, i've never had any close friends i could truly call friends. i was a very shy kid ngl, but when i do get the chance to meet someone new, i give my all to really get to know them! but none of my friendships ever work out in the end

it's been that way all my life! i still can't forget about this girl, who i thought of as my best friend, straight up tell me she prefers to be friends with this other girl who's been talking bad behind my back.

it sounds like such a silly lie typing it out, but this is very true!

i don't know what it is about me, i'm so easily picked on and bullied no matter which environment i'm in. especially at school, i would have no idea who they are but they would always, always have something to say about me!

this whole thing definitely has something to do with who i am as a person, othwerwise how come i never stop experiencing this? but i just don't know what it is. i've been trying to figure it out all my life!

i'm very particular about how i present myself, especially with my hygiene. i learned to do makeup, i religiously browse pinterest for fit references, i make sure to think twice about what i want to say before saying it out loud, i know not to share too much, i know when to say certain things, i try to learn different hobbies, watch all the latest shows .. i'm really trying to do everything to conform with the norms, to appeal, and to relate. i think this is just how it's meant to be!

i've started college this month in an entirely new country and swore to myself that everything will be different and better. i've even made some social media accounts in case anyone asks for mine!

during orientation day, i met this really cool girl! along that time, we met a few more people. i thought they would finally be my little group, my friends. i hadn't noticed she's been nitpicking about how we have no common interests between the both of us and that she doesn't think we could get along very well because of it. that's been the inside joke she's been making to everyone for the rest of the day .. i can't lie, it hurt me a lot and it kind of threw me off. 

we have exchanged contacts and have messaged back and forth to try and arrange meet ups, but there's always something coming up and it never ends up happening. so the bond just kind of faded away .. it might be for the best!

i thought again that it would be different for my actual classes since i get to sit next to different people everyday, but no one's even sat beside me willingly! i arrive very early for my classes, so there's really not a lot of people i can choose to sit with (i want to sit with the girls D: )

again, there are no lies told at all! we're a room of about 200 people, i've sat first and there are four vacant seats next to me .. it's almost insulting and so funny at the same time! could i be intimidating? i can't think of anything else other than my ethnicity. the campus is composed of very little number of brown asians. 

since then all i've been doing is going straight to my classes and home. i think i've fully given up!

i have overcome this mindset, but the reason i'm even making this post in the first place is cause it's come back!

i thought to myself that i'm content with just my boyfriend as my only friend. i've been feeling so sad and a little bit depressed about all this, combined with anxiety for my upcoming exams i need to study for. i can't even talk to him about it because this kind of emotional stuff is annoying to him. he's supposed to be the person i can lean on at times like this, but i can't even have that.

i don't want to bring it up and risk starting an argument, he's the only one i have! but at the same time, i really want someone to be here for me right now, but that's the thing, it seems i'm not allowed to.

maybe i'm craving for attention. i'm feeling so unwanted and i don't know what to do about all these heavy feelings i have. maybe i've been cursed in my past life, maybe it's just meant to be this way for me, i've accepted that! but i'm feeling it in so many levels right now, like it's being rubbed in my face! and it's been making me so, so sad.

i'm sorry if i got all over the place, i'm just typing as i think. i just really needed a space to let all of this out in hopes of making this weight i'm feeling feel lighter.

i feel so unwanted it might actually be a curse