I don't think I can live with my family or myself anymore

TRIGGER WARNING: HOMICIDAL IDEATION, DEATH, EXTREMELY DISTURBING BEHAVIOR

I apologize to anyone who has to read this

I'm tired of hearing "it's OCD". I'm tired of feeling like a liar. I've done things beyond horrific and I derserve to be in prison. I don't know why God won't kill me already. I have no therapist to talk to. I need someone to help me.

I've been hyper fixated and haunted on this little girl's death for the past few weeks. I was initially going to just read about it and be respectful, but my mind kept latches onto it and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I didn't respond in a good way when it kept coming up, and what followed has been a cycle of crying, apologizing, praying, dismissing cruelly, repeat.

I've disrespected other dead people, too. I've had dangerous thoughts about my family, and while I now believe the current ones are OCD related, in the past as a child I had voluntary Homicidal ideation towards my family that I never acted on.

I can't eat or sleep. Last night I found myself thinking about that girl and the Holocaust and this feeling of 'laughing/smiling/joking' about it. I barely tried to move, I kept lying there, instead of immediately getting d. I don't know why I did it I've been scared Call me scum, a sociopath, NPD, whatever you want. I know I have to be somewhere on the Cluster B spectrum or dark triad. Mother cannot afford therapy. I don't feel right living a comfortable life; I've been paranoid about going to prison and I feel like that's my main reason for trying to change, FEAR INSTEAD OF LOVE AND THE WELL BEING OF OTHERS.

Someone please help me. I can't keep coping with the guilt. I punish myself and I even plan on transitioning to atone, but I struggle with distracting myself from the thoughts (with hobbies and things I like because I can't enjoy them for long anyways, memories creep in) because I don't derserve to be happy. Something's seriously wrong with me, and I really want to die, but I'm too much of a coward to kill myself or self harm, even though I really want to.

I apologize again.