Thoughts?

I’m getting married soon, and I’m struggling with how my father is reacting to a boundary we’ve set around our wedding.

My fiancé and I decided from the day we got engaged that we did not want a traditional wedding. We’ve been very intentional about creating a day that feels like us rather than following traditional wedding expectations. There are a number of traditional elements we’ve chosen not to include, and one of those is speeches.

This wasn’t a decision made specifically to exclude my parents. We simply don’t want speeches at our wedding. It’s our wedding, and we want the day to reflect us.

My relationship with my father has also never been particularly good. There has always been emotional distance and difficulty in our relationship, so this situation is bringing up a lot for me.

My dad recently told me that he is hurt that I’ve “taken these honors away” from him. His argument is that 99% of the people attending the wedding don’t know that he’s my father, and that giving a speech would allow him to introduce himself.

He also said that because we decided not to have a private ceremony we had originally considered, he now feels like “just another invited guest.”

He said that he and my mom are my parents, that they are the reason I’m here, and that they should be acknowledged accordingly. He wants me to reconsider and says that a few minutes is all he’s asking for. He already has the speech planned, although he hasn’t written it yet.

The thing that bothers me is the framing of it as though I have taken something away from him. I don’t see it that way. We simply decided not to have speeches. For context, my mom is respecting our decision.

I understand that he may have envisioned himself giving a speech and that it may be meaningful to him. But I don’t feel that his expectation creates an obligation for me to change our wedding plans.
I also don’t want him to feel completely excluded, so I offered an alternative. We are planning a get-together Friday evening for the guests staying at the hotel. I’m currently waiting for the hotel to confirm a conference room. My dad isn’t staying at the hotel, but I told him he is absolutely welcome to come. I even told him that if he still wants to give his speech, he can give it Friday night and share it with everyone there. He declined.

So I’m not saying, “You aren’t allowed to speak” or “We don’t want you involved.” I’m saying that I don’t want speeches to be part of our wedding ceremony/reception. I’ve offered him another opportunity to say what he wants to say.

But his response has left me feeling guilty, as though I’m somehow depriving him of an honor that he is entitled to because he is my father.

For those of you who have experience with narcissistic or emotionally difficult parents: Am I missing something here? Is this a normal parent being hurt about not having a traditional role, or does this sound like another example of making my choices about him and putting the emotional responsibility back on me?

I’m interested in hearing how others have handled similar situations where a parent interprets a reasonable wedding boundary as a personal rejection.