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TW! Mention of SI

We were thinking of starting a family in the next few years. I'm 33m and he's 31m and we live in a nice terrace house together in a beautiful city we love. I've got a doggy I've had for 10 years and it's just been the three of us for the last 8. For the most part it's been wonderful. 

There are several things driving me towards breaking up and several things holding me back. 

 Main reason for break up - coke. For long periods this wont be an issue, but then something sets it off again. He's not full blown addicted but there will be maybe 2/3 random week nights in a month where he doesn't come home till the early hours. 'Just popped to the pub after work'. 'Getting the next bus.' 'Wont be long just playing a game of pool.' Meanwhile I had no idea he'd be out so have come home, walked dog, done the dishes and made us a meal. Drinking triggers these binges and I can't help noticing there are 13 cans of cider that have all been consumed between Sunday afternoon and Wednesday early hours of the morning and that's without pub drinks - seems like a lot for early weeknights. 

So that's what happens, here's why that's a huge problem for me even though it's only a few nights a month:

💵Frequently these binges lead to him missing a day of work - so not only is he paying for drinks, drugs, Uber - he's missing work and likely ordering a takeaway to wallow in the next day. This could rack up to over £100 easily. He owes me about £300 currently. He always owes me at least this amount where I upfront on holidays etc. We are pretty skint although we earn decent wages each. I have my own debt and financial issues, it wouldn't bother me so much if he didn't always owe me or his family money. 

😴These nights I can't sleep till he's home safe. I'm a total worrier and I also sit stewing the whole time because he doesn't say 'im out all night', instead he's constantly promising the next bus, so im waiting the whole time expecting him to walk through the door any minute. When he does get home we either have long chats about our issues (ofc he's chatty) or like last night I make him sleep downstairs but I'm so angry I'm unable to sleep anyway. This ruins my next day of work and puts me in a bad place - I have pmdd which is a fucking nightmare if you don't know about it. My worst symptom is crippling fatigue so one night like this in a week and everything's off. Its a constant struggle for me to regulate myself, my emotions, my health, my mental health. I need routine and comfort during the bad weeks. These binges have triggered some total mental breakdowns from me when and before I was on proper treatment for pmdd it fueled a lot of SI and was the closest I ever came to acting.  I lost a partner when I was 22 in an accident involving drugs - to add some extra context around why I spiral so badly.

I really wanted to have a family with him, we have a great bond and he is fun and dedicated to me. He works hard and cares for me when I feel shit. We get on amazingly with each others family. I am close with his siblings and love his parents. We want the same things out of life and we have a great balance of spending time together and apart doing our own hobbies and socialising. I love him, so much. It breaks my heart but these nights have been happening for years and every time I swear it will be the last. The mental toll it takes on me is so much. Meant to start work in four minutes but so tired after last night where I got about four hours sleep because of this.

 Please give me some advice. I wouldn't even know how to break up with him, I am in loads of credit card debt after this summer and couldn't afford to rent a house by myself. I have no single friends to move in with and wouldn't want to live with a stranger again. It feels hopeless, like to be without him would definitely be worse than enduring these nights. But I can't have a baby with someone I can't rely on to come home every night. 

Help me pls x 

Dinner: salad on chips

Thinking of leaving partner of 8 years. AIO