I don’t think I’ll ever want love again

It’s been over a year since my (25M) last relationship. It was almost 3 years, and was my first adult relationship. First time living with a partner, had a dog and a life together, a big friend group. Life was decent.

Near the end of our relationship, she just kinda gave up. Decided that it would be easier to push me away, not communicate, and let our relationship die out. At the same time, she started to develop feelings for one of her bosses (emotional cheating) and called it “micro cheating” (stupid fucking tiktok lingo) to try and minimize it. That was the inciting incident of us breaking up.

I have felt broken ever since. Quit my job, had to move back in with my parents, got high / drunk at any opportunity to not feel anything for months. I was stuck in a depressive episode and I’m just now slowly getting out of it.

Even after a year, I’m not over it, and I’m afraid this feeling won’t go away. The thought of flirting, putting in the energy to build a new relationship, going on dates, all sounds miserable to me. I even had someone blatantly flirt with me recently, and I couldn’t bring myself to respond, let alone engage and flirt back. It just felt wrong, dull, grey and worthless. And I kinda hate myself for that.

I don’t want to seek a relationship just to prove I’m not unlovable, and I’d like to be able to quell all the cravings I have for physical intimacy. But I just can’t see it happening.

My fear is that I won’t ever be loved for who I am as a person. That I won’t ever be understood in the ways that other people are, or that I’ll just be used to fill a hole in someone’s heart rather than wanting me. I’m also autistic and adhd, which adds a lot of complications to communicating/navigating in a relationship.

All that anyone in my life ever says is “you’ll get over her” or “it just takes time”. And while that may be true, it doesn’t exactly make the situation feel any better.

Idk. Some perspective would be really helpful, or anything that may have helped you in the past. Thanks for reading.