Am I fucking stupid or AIO

So I’ve found out a lot of things that my gut has been telling me. From being gaslighten to losing my own self trust… I’m trying to remain humble…. Even after all that I still love her. But it seems I don’t deserve it back… I don’t even know where to begin. I deserve what ever I get. I deserved to be laughed at mocked and ridiculed this is all my fault. I still have a responsibility and I gotta make sure everyone is good. I feel lost. So go ahead and kick me while I’m down…