No one to talk to, but I can't get professional help. I don't know what to do.

I just feel hopeless. I'm scared of death, so I guess that counts for something, but I don't want to be here and I haven't for most of my life. My life is a disappointment. I'm worthless. I'm meaningless. All I do is fail. I can't kill myself because it would hurt the one person I truly love. I don't think I have a purpose, but if I did it would probably be to give this person the best life possible. If they weren't here, I would have been gone years ago. So I can't die. But I have no ine to talk to. I don't know if it would help anyways, but sometimes I just wish I could tell someone. Buf I can't. And I can't get help. I can't afford it. Even if I could, people in my life would find out, and that can't happen. Crisis lines are risky, and it's not like they do anything anyway to relieve long-term ideation. And it's not just going to stop on its own. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.