I finally met the "real me" behind my trauma responses, but she’s scared to stay. Did anxiety meds help you finally drop the survival act?

For context: I’m a 30+ trans woman with a Master’s in Science. I speak 4 languages, I’ve been on HRT for years, had my surgeries, and I am 100% secure in my identity as a woman.

But I recently realized I am still subconsciously caging myself.

Because I grew up in a highly conservative, transphobic country, I was forced to act like a man to survive. I was terrifyingly good at it. Today, even though mentally I am entirely myself, physically—the way I walk, talk, and my overall face-to-face energy—is still being filtered through those old trauma responses.

The best way I can describe it is that the traumatized girl inside me is hiding in an "operating room." She’s piloting my body like a mechanical vessel because she still subconsciously believes we are unsafe.

Recently, I did a few sessions of therapeutic MDMA. It completely temporarily shattered that filter. Without the fear, she stepped out of the operating room. There was no more "vessel"—I was just 100% uninhibited, naturally me. It was the most beautiful experience of my life, but heartbreaking that I can’t access her all the time.

Standard therapy hasn't cracked this wall, and I obviously don't want to rely on MDMA. I’m seeing my doctor soon and considering trying anti-anxiety medication to see if lowering my baseline fear will help my body feel safe enough to let the real me out permanently.

Has anyone experienced this specific disconnect between who you are and your body's ingrained "survival" behavior, what actually worked for you to unlearn these physical trauma responses?

Would love to hear your experiences. 🙏