I am the most selfish, manipulative person. Stat.

I just realised that I'm actually so manipulative...

So yesterday I threw a huge fit. I'm 15, and I've wanted a phone forever. I've had plenty of good replacements, for example the laptop I'm on now, and the reason why I can't have a phone is purely due to me being a complete idiot and getting into gaming addiction when I was nine, so apparently like no one can trust me anymore.

My dad has two spare phones. They're old phones he used in the past. So I bugged him last year and he gave me a phone he used in 2018, and I proceeded to get addicted to that.

So I haven't had access to it.

But about a month ago I found the phone again and I was ecstatic, I used it like 4 hours a day. I was so happy and proud and joyful and all that shit. But yesterday my dad was cleaning out my room(without my permission) then he found the phone.

My dad has a habit of going through my things without permission, but he is technically justified. I'm a really messy person, and I'm lazy as well, so I usually just dump my trash in my room and forget about it till it stinks to hell.

So he was cleaning my shit and he dug out "my" phone. Then he confronted me about it, and I had a whole meltdown. I've been having a lot of meltdowns, I think it's the puberty kicking in. I said a lot of things that I probably shouldn't've said--I accused him of not caring what I want, and always not listening, and having such high and unreachable expectations of me that I won't ever be able to please him. I think I was projecting--my dad's always been a nice guy. I had a lot of experiences with my mom that I hate but my dad honestly didn't deserve that, especially over a phone that I was using, for god's sake! Not to mention it's exam period and it's a really fucking important exam, so I have to study for it, but I actually have a confirmed offer to a good school already so heavens know my score won't even matter now, but still.

And then he gave me his spare phone back and set a time limit--usage from 10am to 10pm, but not more than 2 hours/day. Which is really good already considering this fucking test that I've studied six years for, but I guess it wasn't good enough for me.

I feel like with my fit I manipulated him into giving me the phone back and all, and god knows I've pulled this trick before, though I didn't intend to, I was really so awfully upset. I remember once I cried and persuaded my mom to bring us for a road trip to Disneyland, and I felt so guilty about it--I hate manipulating people, and I hate manipulative people, and I wish I wouldn't be such an awful person.

And the thing is I've always thought of myself as a victim--I do have a tendency to victimize myself, to think that of course I'm the worst-off in this situation. It's true that I didn't grow up with the most ideal parents. I've been told that parents like mine couldn't ever produce someone like me. I've been called useless. I've been called worthless, stupid, slow, you know.

But overall I do come from a very caring and loving family with a fabulous dad (he's only actually ever scolded me for putting my safety at risk) and a mom who could work on some of her qualities but is an amazing person 80% of the time. I don't want to be a spoiled, entitled brat, throwing tantrums to get what I want and telling people things that I don't really think to get a fucking phone--all this over a phone! A phone! I've wanted one forever, but this doesn't condone anything.

I do this so often, pretending that I'm the "poor little kid", I'm "being abused" (I always thought my mom was abusive as a kid), I'm "being controlled", "being manipulated", "being ignored", "grew up with an awful parent", "being stuck with awful friends". What if I was really just a toxic person? What if I'm just oversensitive, selfish, cruel, mean, and manipulative?

What if I'm a narcissist who actually only thinks of myself and what things can do for me?