Hopelessness

Hey everyone. Back in 2019 I was bitten by a tick while backpacking in Oregon and my whole world flipped upside down not long after. Within a few months I developed really bad neurological symptoms almost as if I was a completely different person. I could barely meet new people anymore, felt socially inept, pounding headaches, brain inflammation, 10/10 anxiety and depression. I stopped talking to my family, would literally hide in my room for thanksgiving and Christmas. I was having super bad gut issues, was suicidal, and ultimately just felt like a brick wall was holding me down from living the life that I wanted. Despite all this I remained hopeful that I would figure out what was wrong with me and everything would fall back into place. I suspected Lyme but the ER Lyme tests came back negative when I went after I was throwing up all colors of the rainbow. I also was wheezing and caughing a lot during this time (figured out I was exposed to a large amount of ocratoxin suspecting it came from a water damaged shed that me and my friends would smoke weed in).I ended up dropping out of hs and having to finish my senior year online. When I was 19 I finally got my diagnosis of Lyme and mold exposure and went into treatment. I was getting pic lines, antibiotics, pills every morning and I hated doing it but I was so lost that I needed to try everything that I could. I was still hopeful at the time even tho I wasn’t seeing immediate results. I did see some improvement but my gut was still so messed up and neurologically I was feeling pretty bad and I just hide from the whole world and I always told myself things would
Get back to normal but here I am 6 years later still having neurological issues and gut problems and a bunch. Of Lyme treatment and all this shit and I just feel so broken I don’t even have the words I watched my teens and younger 20s all got to waste. Im so upset I just want to end my life I’m 25 and all the hope is gone I watched too much of my life just pass me by to suffering. Whatever happened to my brain and body destroyed me and I just can’t live a life like this. I envy everyone in this world because I literally made like no memories for years and have had 1 friend I occasionally call and play video games with and I just feel like the only way I won’t kill my self is if I get a super big blessing and all this suffering just disappears. I just can’t do it anymore idk the only reason I probably haven’t killed myself yet is because I am a believer in god and I think I’d probably go to hell. I also feel like I spent so much time trying to get me back on my feet and I didn’t when I should of been out having fun, making memories, growing as a person, but instead I was severely messed up so much so that I just felt like I had no choice but to hide from the world and it’s all over now. I understand I’m still young and I still have plenty of years left of my life but still I’m just so broken. And even if I woke up tmrow and everything was okay again the depression from watching precious years of my life pass me by is just too intense. Idek if I’ll ever be myself again idk if any of yall fellow lymies feel like I’ve felt. I know I did a lot of drugs that could of damaged me too back then maybe that’s why my brain is fucked up but all I know is my gut is fucked, my brain is fucked, my life is fucked, and I really thought the treatment would take me back to who I was but it didn’t I’m still fucked up and I don’t want to live a fucked up life anymore.