I'm scared that I won't ever find peace with God. Please pray for me if you are willing.

This is my third post in just a few weeks, so I apologize if any of you have seen my other posts and are already sick of me. I made this post looking for input on attending an Orthodox parish for the first time, and I was really pleasantly surprised by all of the encouraging comments. Thank you to everyone who left advice. I'm still really struggling and I have yet to actually attend. I don't know if it will actually make a difference, but if anyone could pray for guidance and peace I would really appreciate it.

The more I think about the prospect of going back to church, absorbing myself in scripture, and potentially even reconverting back into practicing, the more dread and anxiety I feel. I didn't give all the details in my original post because they weren't necessary, but faith has never had the positive impact on me that others describe. At my most religious, my depression and cPTSD worsened substantially, I had an anorexia relapse and lost a dangerous amount of weight in a very short period, I would stay awake for days at a time doing almost nothing but praying, and I nearly committed suicide. There were other issues too that are difficult to describe, so I don't typically try to explain them, but they were debilitating.

I'm starting to see some of those signs again as I think more about God, and I feel hopeless. It's past 2 AM where I am and all I've done for hours is lay in bed and cry and think about hell, which is exactly what I used to do. It's been this way my entire life. The closer I try to get to God, the worse I get. Orthodoxy is so different from anything I was raised with and that may be part of what initially caught my eye, but I'm terrified that I'll find that it's no different. I'm scared it'll turn out that there is no place where I can find peace with God. I don't know what I'll do if that happens. I don't think I have the strength to survive it again.

If anyone can pray for me, I would appreciate it. If you read all of this, thank you. Goodnight, or good morning, or good afternoon wherever you are.