how i came to terms with being fictoromantic

i might discuss this over on twitter as well since i don't see talk about it much over there.

this might be all over the place, sorry.. uhm.. i can't really say how long i was aromantic for??? uhm..i had my fair share of relationships, both irl and online, mostly as a teen.. i'd go through the normal motions; catching feelings/crushes n whatnot... but, all those feelings faded once the relationship actually started... i don't think it was being scared of committment or something..idunno how to really put it.. i just, i guess i just wanted to have a deeper connection to someone?? agh, idunno.. but, all of my relationships i've had didn't last long. they didn't end on bad terms either..

(but i did notice something, bc this has happened one time when i dated someone inside a friend group: never do that btw..its awful.. i would get super jealous if the person i ended the relationship with, would end up with another friend from the group)

as a child and a teen, i had my share of fictional crushes (most were already comfort characters to me), etc.. some were deeper than others, and the amount of crushes would pile up with new media i'd get hooked into (there was also a pattern with said crushes, ahaha..almost all of them shared bits of pieces of the same personality, etc as the last.) now an adult, i outgrew half of those crushes, but they're still my comfort characters; but i ended up gaining new ones.

before discovering being fictoromantic, i engaged in "selfshipping" (i didn't know that was a thing before either, but i was doing it waaayyy before i knew what the term was lmao) my "recent" ones being guts from berserk and chai from hi-fi rush.. now, usually when i get into certain media, i'm going through some rough shit, and i end up finding comfort in the media i choose to consume at that time. this led to me finding a new comfort character, thus a new crush.

i ended up outgrowing those too.. but then, i met travis. i already rambled about him in a previous post, AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN- lmao, but in all seriousness.. he was..different... he wasnt just a crush, etc.. he was more than that.. he also reminded me of my past crushes (again, solidifying that i had an obvious type.) i couldn't get him off my mind.. he literally occupies 90% of my brain now. i knew my feelings for him felt real because, i looked at my past crushes and i just don't feel that feeling anymore.. they just feel like.. old friends to me.

i've come to accept the fact that i don't feel those extreme feelings that i have for travis, for people irl.. it makes me cringe thinking of entering a relationship with someone irl.. but also, i always thought to myself that if travis WERE to exist irl.. if i'd still hold those feelings... i can't really answer that because i'm still wrestling with my brain to come to a conclusion to that.