Addiction and self-esteem - my brains getting worse.

25F, I’ve had some time to reflect recently and I’ve realised how abnormal my working memory is. I can’t remember things or events in a linear time progression, things are kind of jumbled and hard to recall. A few years back I was heavily addicted to weed. I’m very ashamed of this. A few years after that and to be honest to this day I’ve been addicted to alcohol. Not always drinking a lot, but frequently enough and even to help become a different person before some social events.

I’m not really sure what happened. When I was a teenager I was very happy within myself, but as time went on I feel I’ve lost all self worth. I have no positive thoughts anymore. I’ve had mental health issues since I was a child but it’s just getting worse and (to go back to the original topic) I think the past years of weed and booze abuse has drastically stunted my mental capacity for (in particular) planning ahead and goal setting. I’ve always been kinda shite at that but now it’s worse. I just kind of exist like a husk floating through each day and figuring things as I go. I guess I was also very sheltered growing up so maybe that doesn’t help. I am always empty and depressed because my dopamines been fucked by the booze. Here’s to hoping a cut back will help