Hi everyone,

(I have posted this question in other subs as well.)

I am 32 Male. Grew up in a Psychopathic Narcissistic household. Typical people pleaser. But also groomed to stay dependent and spoiled growing up. A mix between golden child and scapegoat. I know i am not a narc but i still am enmeshed with my family and parents. Although i am RAPIDLY moving out of that psychological prison. I am PROBABLY a DFSA survivor ( still confirming via memories and external information) 

Healing is excruciatingly painful. 

CONTEXT-

So my question is regarding my actions with my Ex partner, also a covert narcissist. 

I know that they are the predator types that get you hooked via CALCULATED intermittent reinforcement. But my problem is my own GUILT. 

I am gay, but he married a girl under his familial pressure and tradition. 

When he married in 2018, ideally i should've moved on but instead i kept in contact with him. After 23 years of grooming to stay stuck, my narc parents SUDDENLY wanted to throw me out 👉🏼👉🏼 DISCARD.

 Because i had refused all jobs, work etc because I did not want them to "win" and also because i was worried about being bullied etc - which were all CHILD LEVEL fears. My brain had not evolved beyond those fear cycles. 

We never ever got sexual after 2018 but our CHEMISTRY changed- it became more of a Little child/brother. 

We were living in a shared fantasy , inside which obviously he controlled all the money as my father did growing up. Instead we fought and joked and "supported" each other like teenagers. However, He was MARRIED. And Yet i demanded his time and presence and obviously he was playing me throughout.

My guilt however comes from betraying his wife. I know that it is his responsibility but because of my existential panic, with no house or money or career or emotional stability or brain 🧠 left inside me- i was CLINGING desperately, despite the relationship being long over.

I feel like i destroyed someone else's life, but i ALWAYS respected her and never once saw her as an "obstacle" or anything. (maybe initially but NEVER in hateful competitive ways and only because of TIME)

Because the shared fantasy had changed from partners to "brothers" in my self rationalised view, i was supporting my ONLY FAMILY - my ex-' the ONLY one who loved me" - in his forced marriage and encouraged him from time to time. So there wasn't ANY kind of jealousy or envy. 

I only wished that "he had more time for me" ( as i probably needed from my parents) after his marriage. I know it sounds romantic but after a while, i started getting a taste of freedom and didn't want to be with him either. 

My guilt however says that because i did something bad, my life will take a turn for worse, because despite any kind of manipulation - IT WAS MY ACTION. My Karma. I was the "mistress". And that's bothering me because i just wanted a FAMILY and support. 

Before i can ask, i would like to introduce a bit of my background.

MY BACKGROUND.

I grew up with even teaching myself how to feed, read write etc parents probably spent a day or two, a week max on my education. The plans for me were different. I was to be either their ticket to More money and foreign countries or to be driven mad and sent to Asylum or unalive myself. 

So i grew up in hyper panic anxiety fantasy and food as escapes. Grew obese and drowned in toxic shame to the point that I thought that i didn't deserve AIR to breathe and any beggar on the street is better than me. My mother is Psychopathic and would beat the shit out of my sister - malignantly- throw stuff at her etc level. The movie Precious (2009) comes to mind.

While i performed well in school, my sociopathic sister made sure that I'm always suffering and NEVER included anywhere - THIS IS WHY i clung onto this one narcissist, who also showed me a fantasy of belonging. 

My brain was filled with narc snake voices. Cruel and calculated. Full of shame and lies. For YEARS I FOUGHT alone against these invisible monsters and demons. 32 years to be precise.

In college, my friends were ALL NARCISSISTS. Competitive, jealous, coercive - bullies and made a clown out of me, threw me off from education into an entertainment career because they believed THAT'S what I was good at- i was only using my clown trauma response.

I am not a religious person- but i feel like even religious teachings, when seen from an appropriate context are not entirely wrong. one such teaching in my culture says that because I'm burned out it must be because of "cheating".  The scripture calls it "loss of vitality". It is a karmic effect, the universe bends the reality to create this effect in order to balance the injustice caused to the victim. I was obviously manipulated and hunted, but also, i was CLINGING. THIS is why I'm guilty and feel devastated now.

Additionally, Because of being burned out, it has not been easy to go after the things that i want (i don't even know what I want) and instead I'm chained to my bed in solitary confinement with psychology and spiritual teachings and that's all. While i am temporarily away from the said Family, their monetary help keeps me going for now. Coercive control is still active albeit in silence and much weaker than before. 

A friend of mine told me that survival is primary..even if someone has to shove cow shit to get money, it must be done in order to survive. 

But i don't have the ENERGY. And so I'm panicking. How will life turn out to be and what is going to happen? In what ways can i take control? I don't have ANY BASE, no friend support or anything..

my brain keeps going in cycles over and over about a reality that could've been, Had i mustered ALL MY COURAGE and left home when i had the chance. But i was too weak to do so and i Blame myself for it. It's my brain's default state.

My father, my handler, remains my emergency contact ANYWHERE i go. It's like my soul has No other connection in this world. I NEVER EVER thought i would burnout and would have to be enslaved like this. EVER.

I'm neurodivergent.

How Can I overcome the guilt and manage burnout reality? How will i survive ? I'm legit panicking , but using my favourite dorsal vagal collapse response right now..

Thank you for your time and reading my query.

How to understand this?