We tied the knot, but ...

I promised to myself to write a post here after our wedding, but I've been real busy after our honeymoon... So here it is.

Early August we are tied the knot. No pictures here. I'm not here to brag about getting married. But I wanted to share how I got there and do some reflection what made it possible hoping it may help other women here.

Like many of you I did not have a very good experience on app and did not stay there long. For the context, I'm in my 40s. I met my husband at work. I joined a company and my job required to work with a lot of teams, organizations within the company and a few vendors. I had to resuscitate a project that was critical at that time, but yet had been killed a couple of times. One of stakeholders was my husband. At that time he was extremely skeptical about that effort (BTW, that was the highest level of skepticism I've ever seen from him). But nonetheless, I got a buy in from him in exchange to help his organization with another project. The work was intense. We did a lot. I did help a lot to his organization and he helped me too even though we worked in different organizations and different locations (he was remote). Never seen each other in person. But that was a very healthy and professional relationship. I delivered my project and then the company was forced to pivot for financial reasons. We both got laid off on the same day.

A few months later, before Christmas, he was in town on a business trip (visited his new HQ, which was around the corner from my home). He texted me if I want to meet for dinner to catch up to talk about good times when we worked together and with no dark thoughts I agreed. I was still looking for a job at that time. First, I didn't realize he is much taller than me and a lot more handsome than I saw on Zoom. Things escalated quickly. I wasn't drunk. I just lost my mind and we ended up in his hotel room. The thing is I'm not openly trans and I didn't give him any warnings. It wasn't just the right time.

The thing is we moved from the professional to personal level and it required some conversation. He lived in Indiana (a very red state) and I didn't even know where he stood on trans issues. I just knew him a very good coworker. I decided to have a much deeper conversation.

When he was in town again, I suggested to meet at a park first. I chose that place as I felt safer there. There was an ice rink and there were many people walking. We started to talk about things we never had a chance to talk about at work as it's not the right place for these things. I was horrified when I learned that he was a Republican (not a MAGA Republican). I asked him about his views on abortion and LGBT (note, it was well before the 2024 election). He paused, but wasn't dismissive. He said there are some "crazies". That was the "make it or break it" moment for me. I asked if I look crazy. He laughed, paused, and said "no, why?". ... and this is how I came out to him. He was surprised. He said, he had no clue. I told him my story. He thought I'm joking when I told him I'm trans. I said that I'm not joking and asked if this change anything. He responded "Yes ...". I thought I was going to die right there. But he continued "... I think I respect you more because what you had to go through and what you have to endure". I could not hold my tears. He told me his story. He lost his wife to breast cancer and had a grown up daughter who was a freshman at a college in my town.

Later he introduced me to his daughter. She turned out to be progressive. My relationship with her bloomed. I didn't see this coming at all, but embraced it. We started getting closer and closer. Eventually, he got promoted at work and moved to my place. His work was around the corner, his daughter is at a local college. And his views quickly started to drift left. He understand a lot of political issues better (he even asked me how he can better support a trans-woman, who was about to come out in his department).

Earlier this year I got a breast cancer scare. I got BI RADS 4a. I had a biopsy scheduled 2 weeks before my wedding day. I was worrying a lot also knowing he lost his wife to breast cancer. While the biopsy came back clear, I'm still being monitored. My husband knows well how to support me.

Now my reflection, what I think made it all work.

1. We are older. The dynamics and maturity are different than in younger generations. Different values. My husband is not some insecure man, who tries to establish himself among his peers or friends. On this note specifically, my step-daughter shares a lot of frustrations similar to what many of you share here.

2. We know each other for quite some time. We had many things in common. In apps, for the most part people are looking for s*x first and competing there with cis-women is not easy. I did have some success in the past with other men, where we had common interests.

3. No relationships are perfect. All relationships require work. Did I hear some bs from my husband? Yes! But it's important to be able to talk things over as normal adults.

This is all my story. I think I will not post as often in this sub any more. I wish you all to find your own Prince Charming!