What do I do with my relationship?

ANONYMOUS THROWAWAY ACCOUNT

Hi. For the past few days, I've been in a very tricky dilemma and situation that I am completely unaware of how to navigate or handle. I'm stuck and I don't know what to do, not the slightest bit.

Basically, I don't know what's been up with me. I really don't know, in all truth. I've been feeling off ever since a big situation that has involved me, my girlfriend, and multiple other people, and it's a long story. I can't explain it. I don't want to break up with my girlfriend. I really don't. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I love her a lot and admire her in a lot of aspects, but I don't know why I feel that I should. Maybe it's because I want the best for her, because I constantly feel that I'm not good enough, that she deserves better, and that I have so much to improve on before I love someone else, and that this is the only way through it due to her parents (that don't approve of me and don't want her dating) and everyone else around her, and also for her sake, as I realise maybe I'm not as mature as I thought and not ready for a relationship in some aspects that may worsen situations.

I hate to admit it, and I loathe myself for it. But another thing is that there's this girl at school. Let me make it clear that I do not harbour any confirmed romantic feelings for the girl. But recently, ever since I've started talking to her as friends, I feel I guess attracted. Not just appearance-wise or anything, even I don't know why. Let me preference this by saying I don't believe this attraction is influenced by lust. I've been friends with this girl for a good while now. She's a performer and I try to go to her performances whenever I can to support her. It's just that I have started talking to her a lot more recently. And I realised I'm genuinely lowkey a dickhead, and that I am becoming who I've always hated—un-loyal people. This doesn't mean I love my girlfriend any less. Not at all. I love her with all my heart. But in this sense, it feels like I do not deserve Alicia or the insistent and stubborn love that she gives me because I can't even mentally be loyal enough to block these thoughts out of my head. I want to stop any potential harm and cheating because I would genuinely honestly kill myself if I did, and I would hate to hurt my girlfriend if I ever did cheat on her.

I'm not a good person. Not in the slightest, nor am I who I thought I was. I always talk about goodness and loyalty but being in a relationship at this age is genuinely so much harder than it seems. I put this weight on myself, and I should carry it by myself. I don't want to ask anyone for help, simply because there's no one I can fully trust or depend on without being judged or wanting to die.

I want to stop anything before it happens. I'm extremely disappointed and disgusted with myself, and I'd expect everyone else to be as well if this came out. I wouldn't want or expect anything else. I don't know why I feel this way—why I harbour a connection to the girl in school. It's such an asshole thing to even just think about. My girlfriend is an outstandingly good person. She's loyal, insistent, and always there for me when I need her. Of course she has her flaws but who doesn't, right? I don't know why I feel this way, nor do I want to. But it's like I can't control these feelings.

I honestly don't see a potential relationship with the girl at school, and I'm completely unsure of her own opinions on me as well. But that being said, it could just be me being an unpredictable person. But I think it's genuinely just better for me and my girlfriend to separate before I do anything stupid that'll cause her to break down or hurt herself.

Does anyone have any advice on what I should do? Or any viable explanation as to why I am feeling this way? Ask anything and I'll see it to the best of my ability to answer to provide a better understanding of the situation.