tired

i really don’t know where to go and i don’t have anyone to talk to so sorry. i’ve never vented in a situation like this online or wtv so i’m sorry again i hope i properly flagged the post idk how it works. im not in any trouble or risk i just really need to speak rn i guess.

im honestly just really like exhausted i think. this last year has really sucked for me and im just continuing to decline so much. i started at a new school and made mistakes that i don’t wanna get into, ive stopped caring about school which really sucks a lot for me because before this school was my life and i put my all into it. ive always struggled with mental health but like as ive aged its just gotten so insane and intense

the feelings of depression have become like almost mourning. like, i love being outside and in nature so i try to incorporate that in my week. but i spend time doing those things and i can’t help but feel like i already miss it like im already gone. i like to watch the birds but i can’t help but wish i was free to fly away like them. i spend time with my partner and sometimes i feel sadness like i am expecting something that he isn’t aware of and how much i would miss him. how much i would miss everything but nothing is enough to make this feel worth it.

im horrible at socializing and i always have been and no matter what im told i have never felt otherwise. i have always felt awkward and uncomfortable and ugly and out of place and as ive gotten older ive just shaved off more and more friends or people i talked to and i know thats on me but i just have no desire to be social. ive always been an introvert i was always really shy growing up and it feels like everything i do has been me trying to fit in and seem like a normal person but i have never felt that. im painfully aware of every little fucking thing and somehow at the same time completely unaware and stupid and stumbling over all my words. i have nowhere to be comfortable or completely myself when im at school because of roommates and so it piles more on my already extremely high stress because i feel like im constantly someone else. and like, i understand that im privileged to go to the school i go to and have this opportunity. and that makes me feel worse honestly because i WANT TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT ANYTHING.

my dreams used to be to be successful to get my degrees and make something of myself. i cared so much about my academic success because the challenge of learning was what excited me. i just want that back but i feel like ive reached a point of no return i dont think ill ever be who i was and it hurts because its only been a year. at this point my biggest dream is to just have enough to have a home somewhere secluded or a van setup and just see the world and be alone but nothing feels attainable all i desire my deepest desire is to never interact with another person face to face ever again i just want to be alone i just want to have space and live off the land and see the world but i cannot escape myself and thats my fear. i can do everything i think i need in my life and the problem will always be me. when i was a kid i never thought that this is what being in your 20s would feel like. everyone plays it up to be this amazing time in your life. i’ll be 24 next year and this has been the worst time of my life and i just want to feel anything other than this.

i don’t feel like i can tell anyone in my life this because i understand that it’s a lot and i also really don’t want to because im not good at being vulnerable and i don’t want anyone to know. i journal all the time but i always have the urge to tell another human because my mind wants to feel like i will be heard and understood and loved but talking is never satisfying and i really don’t know why i continue to do it but it helps in the moment. i just have no one right now. ive never told my family the actual depth of my struggles or feelings because that’s not the kind of family i grew up in. all of what ive shared to them is new to me and came with getting older but there’s a part of me that i just cannot show to them. all i have is my immediate family and my partner and i have a couple of friends that i occasionally chat with but not of much substance anymore.

anyway this is getting long and im running out of thoughts. tldr im unhappy and kinda a loser lol