Venting about my life

I was subjected to severe bullying at school for many years, from 1st year primary school to last year middle school, both verbal and physical.

I don't understand easily videos at a normal pace like in lectures, it feels so hard to focus. While when i watch at home i increase video speed x2 to understand.

I have a coordination problem while playing sports like football and tennis, that happened in school

I am unable to focus on multitasking; for example, if i focused on the eyes of someone talking to him, I dont understand well what is being said.

However, I can start conversations with strangers and look pretty much normal, but i was never able to keep a friend for a period of two weeks, and sometimes I leave them, I never tried to be deeply connected to anyone.

Also, I focuse on one topic for weeks until i become uninterested. I read books in weeks about a specific thing, physics for example, and the following week i read about genetics, next week about human physiology under water.

I have noticed weird thing also in my photos, when i took a photo when i was around 12 yo i clenche my fists while taking the photo and gives a strange smile, i have noticed some photos with the same fist clinching and i am 21 and all of it was in front of my family.

During finals, i experience extreme pressure that can lead to negative suicidal thoughts that I doesn't actually plan but i feel better thinking about it as an escape to feel everything ks under control. I enter a state of huge burnout after the exams and I escape from my own field, turning to things unrelated to my field.

I remember during exam nights at 3:am, I would shower, put my head down, and feel intense, intense pressure; I felt like I was going crazy and felt absolutely nothing afterwards. Then I watched suicide videos, gore, and felt there was an outlet, even though I am afraid of death. Then i feel that everything is under control, and continue studying.

I researched many things and looked for hings that distanced me from any religion completely.

The feeling of severe self-criticism at the slightest word literally, and i blame myself severely for many days if i did anything bad to anyone even if it was very little, or anyone i care about said bad thing about me.

The feeling that people are looking at me a lot and I need to look perfect, which is unbearable to fail, otherwise someone will judge me and that made people draw to me to an extent, but at home, the exact opposite happens: I hug my younger siblings, I joke with my family, and I repeat things that seem silly to many people involuntarily, and this repeats for weeks or months, maybe years for some things.

It is extremely difficult to change my daily routine or my very poor sleep schedule, even during exams and universities.

I was being judged a lot throughout my life for the slightest things, and i changed most of them, the way i walk, the way eat, the way i talk.

I would be completely exhausted at family gatherings, I would sit alone most of the time when I was little until I grew up and changed that to not look weird. In a wedding took place last month, I felt like I was being watched, but I was acting and doing what I was supposed to do as if I were a robot, and I left in the end to rest for a little while.

Same thing happens When I go to a place like clubs and there are a lot of people around me, I don't focus on anything but them, and I get a bad headache and feel like I'm not living inside this body.

I’m always doubting myself and wondering whether I might have accidentally sent something online or not. I might suspect that anything I’ve done could somehow be illegal and get really scared, then try to reduce the possibility even if it’s something trivial that everyone does.

In exams, I keep checking my name, code, NID no.. Like around 10 times before starting the exam and many times just before handling the paper, and because it's bubble sheet if I didn't have time to check on the order in bubble sheet, I have anxiety and many what-if scenarios the whole week, but not severe that will make me freeze.

I think of the possibility that I may die while sleeping everyday literally, I’m so afraid of letting anyone into my personal life , even if we talk a lot and joke online, I imagine that they may have bad intentions and could actually be a bad person that will harm me in the future if I let them in my personal life.

 I might do everything possible to try to reduce the probability it may happen, i may cut-off with people and delete messages that somehow may lead to me like I've just disappeared, delete my accounts, but it still worries me and I don't trust what I've done is enough.

Also, most of the time I cannot empathise with people, while I empathise very much if it is someone very close to me, or very critical situations that reflect a bad society. Whereas, if someone tells me they are suffering from depression and so on, I don't feel like i really care, but I do help them. This actually happened with a colleague of mine who told me he was suffering from severe depression and suicidal thoughts, but I helped him sending messages and try to help him emotionally and reassure him, while in reality, all I am thinking about is that I literally do not care a penny; it is all in a way that I do not really mean, but he vented about his life, and i was there.

Also i never went to a psychatrist, but i am planning to go.