I’m 19 and I feel like I missed out on being a teenager

I’m 19 and graduated high school last year. Basically my entire high school experience was getting high, skipping classes, barely doing homework and just trying to get through each day. Somehow I still graduated with pretty decent grades.

My parents were struggling financially during most of those years, and I think that affected me more than I realized at the time. Getting high and not giving a shit about school was basically how I coped with everything. I don’t blame my parents and I don’t really blame myself either. Life happened.

But now I look back and realize those years are permanently gone.

I never experienced high school love. Never had a girlfriend, never had someone confess that they had a crush on me, never had that stupid teenage relationship where you walk home together after school or stay up all night texting each other. I was never the popular guy either. I basically existed in the background.

And I know people will say high school relationships usually don’t last anyway, but that’s not really the point. I wanted to experience it. Even if it ended horribly, at least I would have the memory.

Now I work full time in the trades and make pretty good money. I’m focused on saving, improving myself, becoming more open-minded and building an actual future for myself.

I can talk to women. That isn’t really the problem. Deep down, I just don’t feel like I’m worth enough for someone to genuinely want me.

I also feel disconnected from a lot of people my age. It seems like everyone is busy partying, hooking up, shopping, drinking and chasing whatever is popular. Obviously not every girl my age is like that, but sometimes it feels impossible to find someone who wants something deeper.

Maybe what bothers me most isn’t even missing “high school love.” It’s the feeling that I missed an entire stage of being young. I went from being a teenager who was constantly escaping reality to working full time and worrying about money and my future.

I’m only 19, so logically I know my life has barely started. But emotionally, it sometimes feels like everyone else got to experience something I’ll never be able to go back and experience.

I guess I’m trying to stop mourning the teenage life I didn’t have and start building a life I actually want.